Every now and then life throws you a curved ball.  This week one landed fair and square in my world.  By the time this post appears online the vast majority of people I know reasonably well in the real world, and certainly all the essential ones, will know about it, but I have deliberately held back from posting until now both to allow the news to reach some key people and to start to get my head around it all.  Indeed, part of my logic for posting at all is that there will be an inevitable effect on my blog - both in terms of frequency of posting and in content.

Deep breath.

This week I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have been undergoing tests to help the experts determine how best to treat it; treatment should begin within the next couple of weeks and will last about a year if all goes to plan.  My consultant has told me that my cancer is 'treatable', and whilst he obviously can't give any guarantees, he is hopeful of a good outcome. I ought to note that at the moment I am otherwise completely fit and well and, hospital appointments notwithstanding, racing around Glasgow as madly as ever.

As treatment progresses, there will be stuff I write that is not suitable for public consumption, and that will form a private, personal journal.  At the same time, I think there is a need for honest Christian writing about facing such challenges - I hear and see too much Pollyanna stuff that feels inauthentic and causes we lesser mortals to feel bad about not sailing serenely through the stuff life sends our way, free from anxiety,  singing hymns and praising God for the opportunity.  Even as I type that, I know it could be misheard - I don't want to dismiss what is authentic for other people but I don't want to have to pretend: right now I am scared and I'm not about to claim otherwise; I am also surrounded by the most wonderful network of love and support a person could wish for.  Whilst not every truth has to be told, in order to be authentic I need to be truthful, and that isn't always an easy balance.

I don't want my blog to become purely an account of my illness, to do that would give it greater prominence in my life than I want to.  This blog has always been a place where I ramble about church life, theology and other random bits: I want that to continue.  Some general updates on this 'journey' (cliche of the millennium I reckon) will be available on the Gathering Place website via our newsletter and I may from time to time post significant (in my view) events.  Certainly there will be some of the thoughts this experience prompts from a theological/spiritual perspective.  The deal is that I will spare you excessive detail so long as you are willing to accept the honesty of struggle and not expect me to view this is as some kind of divinely ordained test of my faith.  I firmly believe that God is with me in this and will accompany me through it.  I've a feeling Gethsemane and even Gehenna might be stopping off point in the months ahead, but these are places/states God has been (and/or is) so it will be copable.

The Bible record is replete with honesty in adversity, the ancients seem not to been afraid to tell it as it was, knowing that God could cope. Unlike God, we humans are easily bruised and can all too easily bruise others.  Being a public figure, a minister, brings responsibility as well as privilege, so I will try to get it right, and ask you to forgive me when, as it sometimes will be, what I say is offensive, insensitive or bruising.

My little church in Dibley introduced me to the Kendrick song/hymn For the joys and for the sorrows with its chorus 'for this I have Jesus.'  It is a song that sustained us through many challenges whilst I was there, and its truth will help me in what lies ahead:

For the joys and for the sorrows

The best and worst of times

For this moment, for tomorrow,

For all that lies behind;

Fears that crowd around me

For the failure of my plans

For the dreams of all I hope to be

The truth of what I am

For this, I have Jesus,

For this, I have Jesus,

For this, I have Jesus

I have Jesus.

For the tears that flow in secret

In the broken times

For the moments of elation

Or the troubled mind

For all the disappointments

Or the sting of old regrets

All my prayers and longings

That seem unanswered yet...

For the weakness of my body

The burdens of each day

For the nights of doubt and worry

When sleep has fled away

Needing reassurance

And the will to start again

A steely-eyed endurance

The strength to fight and win...

Graham Kendrick (c) Make Way Music

It's an intriguing song, can speak to many situations, and I hope in it you find something for your own challenges.

This post will appear just as the Gatherers and I begin Sunday worship together.  We will be celebrating the gift of life as we welcome a new baby in to our family.  We will also be celebrating God's defeat of evil, sin and death as we meet around the Lord's Table.  My one real prayer for today is that joy and hope will triumph, not in a twee way that denies reality, but in a God-honouring one that makes a beautiful rainbow of sunshine through the rain, laughter through tears.