You know the ones...
Thou shalt start thy morning service at 10:30 a.m. and evening services at 6:00 p.m. [It is regretted that in some places heresy such as bus timetables or rental arrangements have been permitted to corrupt the natural order and morning service commence at 10:45 or 11:00. In certain places (please pray for them) a single 3 p.m. service is now deemed permissable!!!]
Thou shalt keep thy services to 60 minutes unless it is Communion Sunday in which case 75 is permitted.
Thou shalt have Communion on the evening of the first Sunday of the month and the morning of the third Sunday of the month. Where there is a fifth Sunday in the month thy minister may get confused and do Communion again; where this is so thou shalt forgive thy minister as a mere fool for Christ.
Thou shalt sing only from the green book/red book/SOF book/MP book/powerpoint as thy musicians shall dictate, and all single verse songs shall be sung a minimum of twice, though 3.5 times, beginning half way through shalt be preferred if more than 50 persons are present.
Thou shalt sing four hymns on ordinary Sundays, five when thou celebratest the Lord's Supper.
Thou shalt provide for children to be sent eleswhere in the premsies to spare them the full horrors of listening unto the sermon. Here they shalt engage in creative means of exploring faith including disucssion and questioning. Then thou shalt be surprised that they leave the church when thou deemest them too old for this method of learning to listen for God.
Thou shalt hold Church Meetings at 7:30 p.m. (unless thou art in NWBA in which case it shall be Sundays after the service) and thy meetings shall not exceed a duration of 2.5 hours unless thou precedest them with coffee. Likewise thy deacons shall meet for at least 3 hours, and meetings continuing unto midnight are yea verily impressive...
Any others?
Comments
Thou shalt spend hours discussing the colour of the teacups/walls/flooring but spend two minutes discussing mission
The minster shalt be perfect in very way but the deacons and congregation can be lazy, rude, call you names, not complete tasks, withhold money/information/support. The minister shalt, in the face of all this, be gracious, forgiving, kind, work all hours and not think about breaking the 6th commandment
Ah, the perfect minister...
The Perfect Minister preaches for exactly 15 minutes - he condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
She works from 8.00 a.m. until midnight and is also a good caretaker.
He receives slightly more than the minimum wage established by the government, pays his taxes, wears good clothes, never looks shabby,
keeps his library up to date, entertains regularly, drives a new car and gives £x,ooo a year to the poor and to the congregation.
She is 28 – 30 years old and has approximately 25 - 30 years experience in the ministry.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens.
The Perfect Minister smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously dedicated at all times to the work.
She makes daily calls on church families, shut-ins, and those in hospital - he spends all of his time evangelising the un-churched and is always in the office when needed.
The sermon shall only have three points, which will all begin with the same letter
Thou shalt not sit on the front 3 rows, unless very late in an unusually full church
Thou shalt not say "and finally" unless one has atleast 10 minutes left to preach
Thou shalt use the word "folk" instead of people when standing at the front of a church
Thou wilt remember that Jesus turned water into wine but threaten with hell fire and damnation anybody who seeks to drink wine rather than Ribenna in rememberance of him
(Or perhaps that's just in the Baptist world I've inhabited for the last quarter of a century).
My personal favourite baptist commandment would be along the lines of:
"At the church meeting, instead of seeking the mind of Christ, thou shalt seek to prove that the mind of Christ is at war with itself."