As Burn's said, 'To a louse, on seeing one ona lady's bonnet in church....'

 

O wad some Power the giftie gie us,

To see oursels as ithers see us!

It wad frae mony a blunder free us,

An' foolish notion:

What airs in dress an' gait wad lae'e us,

An' ev'n devotion!

 

OK, so I'm in postaholic mode today.  And, for anyone who reads this, I'm not looking for someone to smooth my feathers by saying nice things.

As one of life's worriers, I often worry how I come across.  Years ago I was horrifed to be told someone thought I was intimidating because I was organised and a fast worker; as far as I was concerned that was just how I was, no big deal.  I was once told by someone they wished I'd do less listening to others and express my views more, but by then I was scared of being scary.  We won't list how many people think I'm scary or bossy.  Then I worry about it.  I worry if I stand up for myself, I worry if I don't.  I worry if I'm stroppy (and I can be, very). I worry who I might offend, what other people will think ... and at the same time think, hang on, I'm not answerable to you, but to God.

My NAM mentor used to tell me I over-reflect - i.e. that I internalise every error, every criticism, every possible misunderstanding.  He was probably right (that's as close to an admission as I'm willing to go).  But how does one get it right?  Ministers are meant to be self-aware, it's meant to matter to us if we get it wrong or less right than we'd like.

The poor old louse in the poem is being criticised for daring to be on a nice lady rather than on a beggar, a wifey or a child.  It's not the louse's fault, just the perception of the viewer.  But for us, it's a bit different and whilst I can't be held responsible for what you're thinking, I am responsible for my own actions and words.  Sometimes I am mean and nasty, sometimes my teasing goes too deep and wounds, and often I sit and worry over nothing.

So, if there happens to be anyone out there who can tell me how to get the balance right, I'd be grateful.  In the meantime, be gentle with yourselves, and I'll try harder to do likewise.