... or things best not said to your friend being treated for breast cancer.

"Grace-growers" is a phrase introduced to me by a minister friend to describe those people who, in other circles, would described as 'those who p*** me off.'  I think it can also be used for the thoughtless, if mostly well intentioned comments, people feel free to make; comments which to be fair are often an attempt at humour and/or to overcome their own sense of inadequacy.

Here are my "favourites"

• having commented that at least I didn't have to deal with the guilt that some life style choice had caused/contributed to my cancer, someone said "well you haven't had children".  So, never having met Mr Right, and having lived a good celibate Christian lifestyle as a factor in causing cancer.  Hmmm.  Interesting philosophy.  Should I be leading a youth group on sexual ethics in the future I'll remember this one!
• on having my head shaved two separate comments (i) "think of all the money you'll save on hairdressers" (er, no, having spent zilch in twenty years I'd had bills for almost £100 in three weeks - and that's with NHS Scotland paying the full cost of supplying the wig) (ii) "some people spend a fortune on electrolysis or waxing" (of their heads?!)
• when talking about hair regrowth, "ooh it might come back curly, I've always wanted curly hair" - yes, most chemo-ed hair does come back curly because the drugs damage the hair follicles (though ironically if it was curly the effect is often of straightening) however once the drugs clear your system and the hair follicles recover it usually returns to its 'normal' state.  Best not to assume our own hair fantasies are those of others - I always liked straight brown hair as it happens.
• on reconstruction or not, "no one will see anyway so why does it matter."  No comment.

Mostly people are amazingly insightful, and the faux pas are minor (and I can see people inwardly biting their tongues afterwards), so for a bit of balance here are some grace-filled observations

• "all that healthy living is really going to pay off now" - and so far it is.  Good general health and a broadly healthy lifestyle with regular, moderate exercise are all important factors in coping with the chemicals and surgery now and recovery afterwards.
• "I know it's not what you'd have chosen but you do look great" with a new hairstyle
• "That's funky" and "you have a great shaped head" about the shaved look (me and funky in the same sentence?!)
• "I want it" - the lovely gay guys who run the coffee shop opposite church about my sparkly headscarf

Please don't think I'm getting at you if you've said or thought any of the first set of comments (None of my known readers have) and I'm sure I'vw said and done some dumb things myself when I've been supporting friends or "parishioners" with cancer.  I am learning graciousness, which is a good thing.  And most of the unfortunate comments tend to grate more than wound, and I can see that many are an attempt to be humorous or light-hearted.  At some point I may reflect a bit more on the role of humour and what makes it funny or not (people with disability offer some great insights on this) but for now, I'll try to grow a litlte more grace.