One of my blogging-buddies, who I have never met in life, but who demonstrates my hunch that there are far more genuine blogs than not, is known online as Perpetua.  Another pseudonymous, but genuine blogger, Archdruid Eileen  observes that today is the festival of SS Perpetua and Felicity.  So a very happy saint's day to P, and thanks to both of you for being the demonstration that the blog world, if sometimes necessarily pseudonymous, is more good than bad, true than false, authentic than fake.

Today we are asked to read:

Psalm 105:1-11, 37-45
Jeremiah 30:12-22
John 12:36-43

A right mix of stuff!  The psalm, in its third and final appearance; the scary stuff from Jeremiah; and the usual riddles of the Johannine Jesus.

Just to be awkward, I want to use the John reading and set it alongside the gospel passage used in today's PAYG Matthew 20: 20 - 28

Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came to him with her sons, and kneeling before him, she asked a favor of him.  And he said to her, "What do you want?" She said to him, "Declare that these two sons of mine will sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your kingdom."
But Jesus answered, "You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am about to drink?" They said to him, "We are able."
He said to them, "You will indeed drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left, this is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father."
When the ten heard it, they were angry with the two brothers.
But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them.
It will not be so among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be your slave; just as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many."

Matt 20: 20 - 28 NRSV

While you have the light, believe in the light, so that you may become children of light." After Jesus had said this, he departed and hid from them.  Although he had performed so many signs in their presence, they did not believe in him.  This was to fulfill the word spoken by the prophet Isaiah: "Lord, who has believed our message, and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?"
And so they could not believe, because Isaiah also said, "He has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, so that they might not look with their eyes, and understand with their heart and turn - and I would heal them." Isaiah said this because he saw his glory and spoke about him.
Nevertheless many, even of the authorities, believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they did not confess it, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved human glory more than the glory that comes from God.

John 12:36 - 43 NRSV

In Matthew, we have a mother seeking status and recognition for her sons, who seem quite content to go along with her suggestion.  In John we religious authorities keeping quiet about their faith in order to preserve their social standing.  The common theme seems to be self-aggrandisement, whether in the eyes of human peers or in the Kingdom of God.  I find both of these challenging. 

I like to be liked.  I don't just like it, I want it.  To be accepted.  To be valued.  To be appreciated.  Sometimes that may lead to me being silent when I should speak, inactive when I should act.  Sometimes it means that I get pulled this way and that by competing, but equally compelling, arguments or loyalties.  In the very earthy, human dimension, the approval of people probably does, all too often, exercise more of a pull than is helpful or healthy.

The desire of the brothers to sit alongside Jesus, to be his right-hand man and his left-hand man, hints at a desire to play God, to exercise God's authority over others.  And that challenges me to.  I cringe when I hear people speak too boldly that 'God says X' or, worse, 'we shall sit on thrones in judgement over the earth' and so on.  But do I, sometimes, try to play God?  I like to think not, and it offends my Baptist credentials, but as a minister, what authority do people invest in me or, in my opinion, foist onto me?  And how, then do I exercise that?

Lord God

I read these uncomfortable words

And I squirm

All too conscious of the times that the words I write

Are tickling to the ear

At least for some

The ones whose approval I value

Or yearn for

Lord God,

I read these uncomfortable words

And I cringe

All too conscious of the times that the words I speak

Are self-righteous

Or judgemental

Of the ones who mean little to me

Lord God,

I read these uncomfortable words

Squirming

Cringing

Recognising within myself

The vanity of self-seeking

The aspiration to status over truth

Acclamation over authenticity

Security over servitude

Lord God

Can I take the cup you offer?

Can I surrender to your Lordship

No matter what cost?

Trembling

Fearful

(and still wanting someone to like my words)

I repeat again

My whispered

Amen

Long term readers of this blog will remember that for a while the links on my sidebar included a small number of blogs being written by women who were living with or through breast cancer.  Last autumn I removed the links after one of the blogs, pseudonymously written by "Annie", disappeared without warning.  At the time I was very concerned by this and contacted another blogger who I knew had met her in 'real life' to see what was what.  Here I postulated stuff around death and the narrowing of the world of a dying person.

Long story short, at the end of October the other blogger contacted me and we shared a longish phone conversation.  It transpired that, whilst very clearly ill, Annie did not have, and never had had, breast cancer; the whole account was fabricated.  I agreed to maintain confidentiality, but have, if asked by people who had followed the blog, told them what I know.  At the same time, I have been processing my own sense of guilt, stupidity and unintended complicity in what happened.  Yesterday the other blogger chose to break silence, something she will not have done lightly, and tells the story here.

One real sadness, for me, is that "Annie" was clearly a gifted writer, and her piece written in response to the summer 2011 riots was the best I read.  She had an ability to find genuinely inspiring and encouraging quotes.  If only she had been able to do this from a more healthy place.

I really, really hope that "Annie" is now getting the support and help she needs to move on with her life.  Like the other bloggers who have commented, I am glad that she does not have cancer.  I also continue to pray for her, as she lives with the impact this has had on her life.

Unusually, I am closing comments on this post.  Not because I don't care what people think, I do, but because any reader will, like other bloggers and me, need time to process the shock, incredulity and bewilderment this news brings.

I have kept silence for about four months; now it is, I believe, time to speak.  I am now far more wary about linking blogs of people I know only through cyber space.  I hope that I have not lost my openness to others and my natural leaning to believe people are trustworthy until demonstrated otherwise.