(Image borrowed from the www)
Back in February I shared something of my experience as a 'Menopausal Monster' and my decision to seek medical help, which in turn led to me being prescribed low dose antidepressants. I thought maybe it was time for a bit of an update.
Drug 'A' was not a good experience. Once I'd got past the nausea of the first few days, it turned me into a bit of a twitchy, tooth-grinding zombie, devoid of emotion... life was mere existence, I reached the point where I would have preferred to be the angry monster (even if the drugged stupour was undoubtedly better for everyone else)
Drug 'B' is going well, even though it means I am making a 'quality over quantity' choice as it is less 'safe' for me in terms of its effect on my anti-cancer drugs (it's not a dangerous drug, it's one that's in the fuzzy middle ground). Although I continue to have some side effects, dry mouth, tooth grinding and (mostly nocturnal) muscle twitching (which evidently suggest I have a mild form of a condition that can be triggered by this class of drug. Only me!) this drug seems to suit me much better, even leaving in me feeling everso slightly 'high'. I've now been on this one for a couple of months, and am continuing for a while at least.
For all this, I am aware of underlying mood swings (almost certainly caused by cyclic hormonal changes) that, if unchecked, would make me back into a monster. It's just that now I am a mellow monster, aware of an internal change but one that is so damped down it can never erupt.
I think being a mellow monster is OK, and most of the time life is good, if everso slightly 'technicolour'. When I was younger, I used to wonder how menopause might be - now I know that, for me at least, it's no fun whatsoever, but at least I am here to experience that!