This evening we thought about 'Impostor Syndrome' and the fear of being found out as inadequate or unsuitable...  It seemed to go pretty well and I'm glad I chose to offer it.

I'm not going to blog the whole reflection, but I am going to share parts of it, starting with a quote from another blog (citation provided at the end of it ) which expressed so beautifully much of what I wanted to say...

An extract from a blog post by Valerie Schutlz, an American Roman Catholic writer:

Recently [-] some glowing praise from a fellow parishioner gave me pause. Catching me after Mass and thanking me for a recent faith-based essay, he said, “You know, I think of you as my spiritual director.”

I thanked him, but I went away chastened. These were big words, weighty words. I know they were meant to compliment me, but they actually crushed me by adding heft to my Imposter Syndrome. You know about Imposter Syndrome? It’s when a person of any given profession—writer, professor, preacher, parent—secretly suspects that, in spite of his or her accolades and achievements and high standing and seeming expertise in the field, the jig will be up as soon as someone figures out that he or she is full of it. The emperor has no clothes. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Someone is going to realize that I am no expert, that my credentials mean nothing, that I actually have no idea what I’m doing, and I will have to cop to it. Because in my heart, I know that I really am full of it.

I admit it. I may write well about faith, but I am no good at it. I may sound like I am all about God’s will, but I spend a lot of time ducking it. I would be a wretched spiritual director, because I can’t even direct my own affairs of the Spirit. I don’t pray enough. I don’t volunteer enough. I don’t donate enough. I don’t even write enough. Anyone can tell you that I am a half-assed Catholic. I take it all in, but I don’t give nearly enough back. If I even try to think of myself as worthy of offering spiritual direction, my Imposter Syndrome shouts this fraudulent thought down immediately. I don’t know why anyone ever publishes anything I have to say about heaven and earth.

https://www.americamagazine.org/content/all-things/confessions-spiritual-imposter Accessed 12/8/17

After a bit of exploration, we used two short Bible readings, Jeremiah 1: 4 - 10 and 1 John 4:16b-19 to centre our thoughts in scripture, and I said this:

I could have chosen any number of characters from the Bible who exhibited signs of impostor syndrome, so why did I choose Jeremiah?

Simply because he uses the phrase ‘I am only...’ in his response to God.  And God replies, ‘do not say, “I am only…’”

Perhaps this is part of impostor syndrome, low self-esteem, feelings of inferiority… the belief that ‘I am only…’

‘Do not be afraid,’ says God, ‘I knew you before you were born, was there at the moment of your conception, and have been with you ever since… I don’t make mistakes, I make people, beautiful, wonderful people of inestimable worth, and you are one of them.  And because of that…’

Do not be afraid… but we are afraid.  Afraid that someone will out us for what we really are.  Afraid that our ineptitude will lead to disaster.  Afraid because people, or even God, may no longer like or love us.

The cure for fear, perhaps surprisingly, is not the overcoming of obstacles to confidence, but the security of knowing oneself to be loved… perfect (or complete) love drives out fear.  God loves us with an unending and inextinguishable love.  God loves us so much that, in Jesus, the Christ came to us.  God loves us so much that the Holy Spirit is given us as one who offers comfort in our darkest, lowest moments.

Which of course is fine, but, if you’re anything like me, you will still experience times of fear or anxiety, inadequacy or impostor syndrome – our love is not yet perfected, not yet complete, we are still God’s ‘work in progress’.  Learning to love and value ourselves as God loves us is a life-time’s work.  Knowing that God loves us just as we are, in all our complex, muddled and messy humanity, offers us the safety we need to keep on learning and growing to love God, and to love our neighbour and ourselves as of equal worth.

Hope it helps to normalise any such feelings you may have, and encourage you to be kinder to yourself (and perhaps to others too)

My Own Story

William Carey grew up in a tiny, rural village where most people lived simple, quiet, unexciting lives working as weavers or farmers, and had little or no ambition.  The opportunity for education opened his eyes to new ideas, and the stories told by his uncle who had travelled to Canada ignited his desire to discover more of the world in which he lived.

• Are there people I recall from my childhood whose stories or actions significantly shaped my thinking?
• How much are we defined by the circumstances of our birth, and how much is ‘social mobility’ possible or desirable?
• William was clearly a curious and intelligent boy, with a real gift for languages, but his practical skills as a shoemaker proved invaluable when he had to manage an indigo plant in India. Which different aspects of my own early experience contribute to my life now, perhaps in surprising ways?  

More Light and Truth

Taking the Bible seriously has always been a (self-defined) quality of Baptist life.  The assertion ‘the Lord has yet more light and truth to break forth from his word’ is one we hold to be true, yet we can be guilty of Biblicism (placing the Bible above Christ/God) and unquestioning literalism, liberalism or indeed, any other way of reading the Bible.  William Carey challenged the unthinking acceptance of ‘received wisdom’ on the interpretation of Matthew 28: 16 – 20, which ultimately led to the formation of what is now known as BMS World Mission.

• The Bible is a complex library of texts with internal contradictions, which Christians believe is divinely inspired. When I come to read it, what presuppositions and expectations do I bring?
• Have I ever had a new insight into a familiar story, passage, or text? How did that feel?  How has it effected my faith and practice and/or my attitude to scripture?
• If asked to define what the Bible is, what would I say?

Work Life Balance

Like so many of the heroes we’ve met, William Carey was totally dedicated to his work to such an extent that his own physical health and the wellbeing of his family suffered.  In our time we hear a lot about work life balance, and of families being stretched to breaking point by the pressures of modern life.  

• How do I find a healthy balance (assuming I do) that allows me to enjoy family life (whatever that looks like) flourish in my career (as appropriate) and enjoy leisure activities?

Hobbies and Interests

From childhood, William Carey loved horticulture, and in India enjoyed discovering new plants, some of which he sent to botanical societies, including Glasgow!   

• Do I have any interests or activities I participate in for the pure joy they bring, or do I fall into the trap of only doing things that are ‘worthy’? Do I need a hobby; if so, what will it be?

Since I stopped eating meat a couple of years ago, most of my protein has come from porrige, cheese, eggs, milk, yogurt, mushrooms and hummus.  I do cook with pulses, but have to admit that often I'm a bit lazy and will do a mushroom or cheese omelette for quickness.  I like glamorgan sausages, mushroom burgers and other similar products too.

I have a 'thing' about fake meat, so I don't eat (sic) meat free chicken or bacon, and I am not allowed to use soy products due to a drugs interaction, which together limit my choices more than somewhat.

However, I have perservered with Quorn things, and now (fanfare) have three 'ready meal' things I am happy to eat, even quite enjoy, and (even bigger fanfare) have discovered that the Quorn 'chunks' can indeed be made into perfectly acceptable meals.

So, the three things I buy ready made are:

Quorn mozarella and pesto escallopes (sort of kievs)

Quorn wild garlic and herb sausages

Quorn sausage roll - probably has almost as much meat in it as a regular one!

My two recipes I'm calling 'Qurry' and 'Quasserole'!

The Qurry isn't quite a curry, due to my many and varied food intolerances, but has a base of onion, garlic, fresh ginger, grated carrot, chopped tomatoes and fresh corriander.  Next time I'm going to try adding curry leaves to see how that works out.  Really quick and easy to make the 'sauce' and the Quorn lumps go in for ten minutes at the end.  Serve with rice or naans.

The Quasserole is probably more a hotpot or stew but they don't work spelled with 'Qu'!  Onions, carrots, chopped potatoes cooked in a veggie stock (or, in my case, marmite and water, when I discovered Knorr stock cubes contain red pepper) with your favourite selection of dried or fresh herbs.  Again, chuck in the Quorn for the last ten minutes.

OK, so this isn't a theological or spiritual blog, it's just about me refusing to be defeated by what I still think are unpleasant attempts at fake meat!

I love this painting of a group of Baptists from the English midlands (primarily Northamptonshire, Buckinghamshire and Nottinghamshire). 

There are many reasons I love it. 

I love it because it reminds me of old photographs that many churches have of their diaconates, mostly all male, and all very worthy, with Bibles and pipes (for tobacco, not bagpipes!) and sat in similar fashion. 

I love it because it has echoes of Last Supper paintings, and is a reminder that the story is our story, a continuing story through history.

Most of all, and this is shamelessly self-indulgent, I love it because I can trace connections from myself to some of these men, which is something that intrigues and delights me.

William Carey is sitting, on the left hand end of the front row.  Born and brought up in Northamptonshire, he was Baptised in the River Nene, near to what is now the location of the Northampton Railway Station.  Nothing that surprising there.  The connection comes via the minister who Baptised him, John Ryland (third from the left in the front row) minister of College Lane (later Street) Baptist Church.  Among the plants from College Street was a Sunday School in a nearby village called Duston, from which a church emerged, choosing to become Congregational when it gained independence.  It was this church, now a URC, where I came to a place of owned Christian faith, at around the age of 15.  And it was in this church that I got to know one of my GB leaders, now a  friend, whose great grandparents were married in the chapel attended by Mari Jones of Bible Society fame.

In the centre of the back row is a man wearing a white wig.  He is, so far as I can ascertain, the odd man out, because he was not a Particluar Baptist but a General Baptist, influenced by the Wesleys, and founder of the New Connexion, at the delightfully named Barton-in-the-Beans in Leicestershire.  From there, one of the many plants was in 'Dibley', established in 1749, more than a decade before Carey's birth, and becoming an independent church in 1798.  As a former minister of Dibley Baptist Church, I can claim a connection to Dan Taylor.

Other links I may claim are undoubtedly more tenuous, places I've visited/studied such as the John Ryland University Library in Manchester (oodles of Baptist archives in the main John Ryland library), hymns I've sung written by John Rippon, and so on.

When I think of the 'Communion of Saints' or the 'Great Cloud of Witnesses', it is in the light of connections such as these.  As someone who is not convinced that heaven is where we reconnect with our nearest and dearest, it is reassuring and comforting to contemplate that the interconnectedness will ensure a shared history, if measured only over centuries rather than years.

Last night's evening service was a very cursory look at one or two aspects of mental health and Christian faith.  As part of it, I shared four true stories, which I'm sharing here:

Liz comes from a well-off family, her father is a banker and the family enjoy a good standard of living.  Despite this, even as a young child Liz suffered from anxiety, being terrified of the dark, afraid of drowning and worried lest any of her family should die.  Her fears were justified when her mother died when she was just fourteen years old, by which time she had begun to experience bouts of depression and struggled to believe there could be a loving God. In her late teens she had a dramatic conversion experience and became very involved in her local church.  Liz married young and has a large family; sadly almost every pregnancy brought with post-natal depression, and she finds motherhood very difficult.  She undertakes high profile work in areas of women’s justice which means she travels extensively in the UK and Europe.  She tries to keep her mental health private, and fears being found out.

~

Dot comes from a decent working-class home, where money has always quite tight, but she knew she was well loved by her parents and siblings.  She has been a regular churchgoer since childhood.  Her husband has worked incredibly hard to improve his education, learn new skills and is well respected; although he clearly loves Dot, she feels inferior and, when his work meant travelling overseas, she was very reluctant to move so far from everyone and everything she knows.  Initially, the family was quite cut off from other Britons, but they now live in a small ex-pat community.  However, Dot’s mental health has suffered hugely, and she experiences delusional psychoses in which she is convinced her husband is having affairs.  Being on her own with him is dangerous for both of them, as she becomes violent and has threatened him with a knife on more than one occasion. She remains in her own home, where she has to be supervised at all times.  Her husband is bewildered and fears for their children.  He has some, limited, support from the few church folk who are aware of the situation.

~

Mary was born in South Africa, where her parents are missionaries.  She fell in love with a young missionary who had recently arrived there and, to the obvious disapproval of her parents, married him.  The young couple travelled quite extensively together but once a family arrived, it was agreed that Mary would take the children back to his homeland where his family could care for them.  This proved disastrous.  The culture shock alone was huge, but Mary and her in-laws did not get on at all, indeed, so catastrophic was the endeavour that she took the children hundreds of miles away to live.  Mary was by now at a very low ebb, possibly with mild to moderate depression.  Lonely and isolated, she sought solace in the odd glass of wine, which soon led her to a degree alcohol dependency.  Eventually she and the in-laws were reconciled, her health recovered and she has returned to Africa to spend time travelling with her husband.

~

If you met Charlie, you would almost certainly be struck by his confident demeanour, hearty laugh and mischievous sense of humour.  This father of two is a hardworking Baptist minister who combines pastoral responsibilities with serving a children’s charity in a very deprived area of London.  But appearances can be deceptive.  If you were to ask the deacons of his church, you would discover that Charlie is a bag of nerves on a Sunday morning, so much so that he sometimes feels quite unwell before the service starts.  Since his mid-thirties, he has suffered from chronic pain which is tiring and debilitating.  He also suffers from recurrent bouts of depression so bad that he has to take time off from church in order to recover.  His workaholic tendencies and physical condition combined with his nervous temperament contribute to the pressure he puts on himself and almost certainly trigger his depressive episodes.

~

Four people living with mental health issues. 

Do you recognise any of them?

They, or their partners, are well-known Christian figures. 

Liz – Elizabeth Fry, Quaker evangelist and prison reformer

Dot – Dorothy (Dolly) Carey, wife of William Carery, pioneer missionary in India

Mary – Mary Moffatt Livingston, wife of missionary explorer, David Livingston

Charlie – Charles Haddon Spurgeon