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A Skinny Fairtrade Latte in the Food Court of Life - Page 320

  • The Practice of Preaching

    Yesterday I found myself suddenly aware just how much of my time and energy (physcial, intellectual, emotional and spiritual) is normally expended on the preparation of services and the facilitation (I hope) of corporate worship.  It is slightly weird not doing this - even though at the moment despite oodles of time, I have insufficient energy of any kind to contemplate anything more demanding than a PAYG "Examen" (thanks be to God for podcasts, MP3 downloads and contemporary Ignatian spirituality I say!) or some '"Godly colouring" (thanks be to my friend Julie who sent this):

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    It was as I sat and coloured, that my mind wandered off to all sorts of directions about preaching: myself as a preacher; the purpose of preaching; the task of the preachee (what do you call the person who listens?); what makes a sermon 'good' or bad' or are these categories valid anyway; does style matter and what is helpful in a post modern, digital age.... and so on and so forth. 

    I have a long list in a notebook that I hope to ponder over the next few days and weeks, and perhaps this is a good place to do that pondering.

    In the meantime, I am relishing the opportunity to listen online to the two preachers who are doing my "cover" at the Gathering Place.  Very different from me, but carefully, prayerfully prepared and lovingly delivered explorations of Scripture to which I listen, open to the possibility that God has some teeny tiny nugget to offer me.  Perhaps an idea I've never heard or have long forgotten.  Perhaps something that disturbs my complacent ease.  Perhaps a word or rebuke or a word of encouragement.  Perhaps... well, who knows, that's the mystery and majesty of preaching, God's Holy Spirit is active whether or not we recognise the fact; sometimes the hardest task of peacher or preachee is "to let go, and let God" as the charismatics put it.

    I hope you'll join me in this ramble around the wilderness, pondering stuff around preaching... and if you are able to engage/respond by comments (or emails if you know me in life)  that'd be fab.

    I need a rest now - but later today will hopefully post my first 'brain dump' :-)

  • Update...

    This is a brief-ish update, and is copied from social media, so please forgive tone if it seems odd!

    Thank you for all your love, hugs, prayers, vibes, juju, wishes and general amazingness.
     
    Surgery went well - major white coat BP was dismissed with a flick of the hand by charge nurse and anaesthetist.  I feel that this was the "right" answer to prayers... not that God magicked my BP into submission, but that the medcis recognised WCH for what it is.  I am working on techniques to address this long term, cos it really is bonkers (though not planning on needing any more surgery, ever!).  I am grateful for my 'tame' anesthetist friend whose pre-op advice was so helpful.

    Discovered I'm alllergic to ocicontin (opiate pain med) which was scary but soon sorted out by amazing medical people.  I am so impressed with the standard of care available in these islands - for sure there are postcode lotteries, but overall it is amazing.  I am blessed wth being "very fit and healthy" (words of the consultant who oversaw my recovery from said allergy, and to have a high pain threshold... in all things, God works... 
     
    Home on Sunday, ladies of the church caring for me - one stayed over last two nights; they are doing my meals, washing, shopping etc, so am lady of leisure. Managed ten circuits of my kitchen table this morning and summoned up enough energy to get on line for a while.  Very grateful for a friend who is a physio for advice on exercises - no physio offered here, just two booklets that conflict!  Keeps me on mky toes (or not!!)
     
     
    Lots of grace and lots of love.  Atheist friends sending me vibes, pagans doing juju, Christians, agnostics in my pockets.... in all thing, ALL things, God works.... and I feel remarkably blessed.
     
    Apologies for any dodgy or funny typos - not enough energy left to proof this.  Will be back in a few days.

     

  • Not my arm...

    It transpires that some folk on hearing I am due to have surgery assumed that this was to 'fix' the arm in which I have lymphoedema.  I hope those folk, on learning the truth are not too horrified!!  It just goes to show that when you try to keep something pretty personal private it can have unexpected consequences!

    Lymphoedema is a chronic, incurable condition, but it can be controlled, in my case very effectively, by the use of compression garments, exercise and skin care.

    There are two kinds of lymphoedema - primary, which is present from birth, and secondary, which is triggered by 'trauma' usually (and in my case) the removal of lymph nodes are part of cancer treatment.

    Basically, this condition results in lymph fluid flowing down into arms (or legs, trunk or breast) but being unable to get out again because pumping action needed to do so is impaired.  Special exercises and massage, and (very expensive) special compression garments can reduce the resultant swelling but can never actually effect cure.

    Lymph fluid seems to agglomerate in fat, and so people with lymphoedema are strongly encouraged to maintain a healthy weight... less fat, less places for it to gather.  Some people who have especially bad lymphodema are involved in some clinical trials involving lyposuction of the affected areas to see if this has any long term benefit.   My lymphodema is defined as 'mild', mostly affects my right hand and wrist area, and was triggered by 'injury' (shifting a ludicrously heavy suitcase that some other passenger had put where it blocked the exit door of a train).  To me, it is just a nuisance, and the compression sleeves a necessary "evil" (though evil is too strong a word).

    So, my arm can't be fixed but the lymphoedema can be kept under control - just so long as I do as I'm told, every day, for life.

    Hope that clears up some confusion!

  • Circling prayers, Mantras, Mindfulness, Self-hypnosis...

    It's always interesting what fessing up to things can lead to!  Whilst I still wrestle with the selfishness of  asking people to pray that my BP behaves tomorrow - and despite so many of them telling me it isn't selfish at all - it has been really lovely to have promises of prayers and vibes (from those who don't 'do' God or prayers).  Also lots of suggestions for things I have tried before, but maybe tried too hard and so they didn't 'work' because they depend on non-striving?

    So I have been using breathing exercises and a sort of mindfulness/relaxation (they aren't quite the same thing but still, close enough for these purposes) and having been using a 'mantra' along the lines of 'breathe in calm, breathe out stress'.  I've even paid the princely sum of 79p to download a ten minute 'hypnotherapy' thing.

    I mentioned to some women minister friends that I was doing this, half in jest saying I was getting very 'dodgy'!!!  In response we spoke about celtic circling prayers, of breathing as prayer in its own right (a kind of mindfulness awareness of God's presence in each moment).  Another friend has offered to have a go at recording a personalised calming meditation for me.  How lovely is that?

    Does it work?  Work is the wrong word, I suspect.  Having kept at it over the last 24 hours, I can now, finally, take myself to a calm, happy place, breathe deeply, listen to the sea and relax.  I can visualise an 'OK' or even good BP reading.  I am reminded that in all things God works with those who love him for good...

    So, I can visualise my special minister friends intoning a circling prayer with me.  I can imagine my don't-do-God friends either nestled in my pocket or surrounding me with gentle huggles.  I can take myslef deeper into the presence of God's eternal now.  And of course, I take the pills, drink plenty of water and generally slow myself down.

    So far today, my BP seems to be behaving itself.

     

    Circle me Lord - keep peace within, keep tension out

    Circle me Lord - keep hope within, keep fear without

    Circle me Lord - keep faith within, keep anxiety out

     

    Jesus Christ, son of the living God, have mercy on me, a sinner

     

    Breathe in calm

    Breathe out tension

    Breathe in stillness

    Breathe out stress

     

    Circled by God

    Forgiven through Christ

    Inspired with the Spirit

    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well

    Amen.

  • Public and Private... Hidden in Plain Sight

    It's been a bit quiet in this corner of blogland - I've been otherwise occupied and not really had a lot I felt was appropriate to share.  Sometimes there are things going on that we prefer to keep private, and then realise that the public nature of our role makes that a tad tricky.  Sometimes, for all the right (or best intended) reasons we make a call and then discover that it is misunderstood.  This public/private interface is a tricky one to get right.

    What follows is more public than I had hoped, but reflects the reality that people are incredibly good at putting two and two together and making a huge number if you are too guarded in what you share!  Perhaps, because there is a risk a few hearts are already pounding and fearing the worst, I need to begin by saying that there is nothing nasty, sinister or worrying going on.  However, jungle drums, grapevines and other leaks mean that partial stories have already arisen and rumours need to be scotched, best I can.  There is also a sense that this blog post is "hiding in plain sight" ... hopefully what that means will become clear.

    I know a number of readers of this blog also check out the Gathering Place website, read our magazine online or listen to our service podcasts.  This means that you may already have spotted that there has been a change to our preaching plan and that I am not leading worship for several weeks.  It is this, already public, information (and rightly so) that promted me to post - what is going on and why?

    The short story:

    On Friday of this week, provided my blood pressure behaves (prayers and vibes for this very welcome) I will behaving fairly major gynaecological surgery to address some long term side effects of my cancer treatment that have failed to repsond to several less invasive procedures over the last four years.  This will mean several weeks off to convalesce and then I will return to work "a whole new woman".  Please be reassured that this is not new or recurrent cancer - all the tests undertaken prior to making this decision have been clear. 

    For the next few weeks preaching at the Gathering Place will be in the very capable hands of some long term friends of ours, a ministerial couple M & L, and I look forward to listening to their services online. 

    I won't be posting lots of updates on my progress as there will be next to nothing to tell - but I will be around and will be back online a week or so post-op.  I know that some readers know my family in real life, so this a plea from the heart (and a huge risk in sticking this online where anyone can see it)... I have not told my elderly mother about this surgery as she had major health issues and a level of confusion which mean that such knowledge could be damaging to her wellbeing... in fact, the only family members I have told so far are my sister and an aunt.  So if you do know my folks, or if you know folks who know my folks, please be careful.

     

    The long story (for those who are interested in Tamoxifen and its rare side effects)

    Tamoxifen is a wonderful drug, and so far has kept me free of breast cancer for almost five years, with a plan to continue to with it for a further five.  For a 'high risk' patient this is important and, in my view, the benefits outweigh the dififculties.

    Any drug comes with a side effects list, and most people don't experience any of them.  I am just in that tiny weeny minority who work their way down the list for Tamoxifen, missing any that would make it unsafe and 'selecting' those that are a flipping nuisance.  So I've learned to live with chronic joint pain, hot flushes and the "very large floaters" and "disco eyeball" (as another similarly affected friend puts it) left by posterior vitreous detachment.  And then there are the gynaecological effects... as many readers are male and as it's not very edifying to describe in detail, we'll go with the technical bare facts!  I have had repeated episodes of what is technically termed post-menopausal blessing bleeding (PMB) due to Tamoxifen induced endometrial hyperplasia.  Three times this has been treated by hysteroscopy and polypectomy (each time biopsy confirmed this as benign) on the third occasion having a progesterone releasing prothesis implanted (with the approval of my breast team) in an attempt to prevent recurrence.  Alas this didn't work out for me, in fact it made things worse, and in December I was advised that the only remaining option is a total abdominal hysterectomy (TAH) and, due to my inherently increased risk of gynaecological cancers, bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy (BSO).  I have to confess I love a word with three 'o' together in the middle, it lends a suitable air of nonsense to the whole enterprise!

    I cannot stress strongly enough that this is a rare effect of Tamoxifen.  I also cannot stress strongly enough my view that taking Tamoxifen is worth the risk of such effects.  My clincher for my decision to have surgery was the realisation that living with bleeding, anaemia and lethargy for another five years is just not viable.  Hopefully in a few weeks I really will be "a whole new woman".

     

    So there you have it... please don't be concerned, this is standard surgery that loads of women have every day and are glad they do.  Again, this is hidden in plain sight, so it you do know any of my folks, please don't start talking about it.  And if you "do' prayers then please pray for M & L as they prepare to lead our services, for skills for the doctors... and, selfishly, that my BP behaves!!