I will be glad when I am finally able to submit my MPhil, though this is now looking like it won't be until after my surgery.  Some people have asked will I ever go back and finish the work, to which the answer has been 'don't know' (and it's probably wise not to prejudice the pass/fail by saying either way at this stage!). 

However, my current experiences are leading me to want to explore more thoroughly what I am loosely terming "Public Christianity and Private Pain."  I have been struck by the challenges of being a minister (a public Christian) dealing with serious health issues (private pain), and how my desire for openness and authenticity has had to be tempered by pastoral responsibility and pastoral sensitivity.  Responses to what I have posted on this blog - both via comments and through emails and conversations - suggest that people value the honesty, yet all too often it would be easier simply to collude with the myth of the serene Christian whose peace permanently transcends comprehension.  I think some empirical work, seeing how others have experienced their own public-private tensions could be fascinating and potentially liberating.  I have a hunch that if our ministers could model a more honest, and appropriate, brokenness and vulnerability the people in the pews would find release from the pressure to 'perform' as if nothing was wrong.

By naming this publicly I am somehow committing to give it some energy in the future - and declaring my faith that there is future in which to explore it.

Every now and then I watch the odd episode of River City the Glasgow-based soap broadcast only in Scotland.  At the moment they have an ovarian cancer storyline and yesterday this was one of the central themes as the character began to come to terms with her chemotherapy and its inevitable effects on her hair.  I felt it was very sensitively handled and the moments when she was pulling out odd strands of hair had a real resonance.  There was a scene where she challenged the patronising speech of her local MP (MSP? not sure which) and I found myself thinking 'you tell 'em girl!'  (An aside, I think there was a fact error, though I'd have to listen again to confirm this, where they said 1 in 3 women get breast cancer when it is actually 1 in 9).  The most poignant part was the closing scene where the character was having her head shaved by her husband; although it was obvious (to me anyway) that this was fake, the sound of the clippers and the panning around the photos in her home was incredibly moving - and why when I reached that point I chose to have it done at a hairdressers.  Scarlett is a feisty character and I feel a good 'ambassador' for real women facing cancer treatment.

Ovarian cancer is the 'silent killer,' and has claimed the lives of two women I counted friends, so it is good that it is being made part of a central storyline.  I hope, though, that the script writers are willing to allow the story to unfold in real time - the chemo part ought to last around four months, the hair loss part at least eight and then see her emerge with very short hair.  Too often we are impatient with story lines seeking quick resolution.  Obviously this is one storyline among many and it will recede into the background - but I will be hacked off if in a couple of months time we see the character with her hair long again.

You can check out the episode here, at least for seven days from this post... English readers may want to campaign for Shieldinch to shown in your neck of the woods (subtitles available if your language skills aren't up to it!!)