This probably constitutes an 'oh for goodness sake not again' post, but it matters in my personal calendar.

Three years ago today I heard the fateful words "I'm sorry, it's cancer" and embarked on an unplanned adventure that affetced me far more than I could have imagined possible.  Not only the physical changes (even now I have to look twice at photos to recongise myself) but the hidden intellectual and emotional changes, some theological tweaks and some shifted perspectives.

I think, for me, the biggest thing I've learned is that it never quite goes away.  What do I mean by this?  Well not the fear, which, whilst I can still recall and relive it, is by and large long gone.  It is more the realisiation that there are long term, maybe even life-long, effects of the treatment, physical, intellectual and emotional.  A friend of mine described cancer as "the gift that keeps on giving" because, even without recurrence or metastasis, there always seems to be some new effect arising.  Long term side effects of surgery and drugs were something that never crossed my mind three years ago.  The tone of this is probably more negative than intended - I would always rather live with the effects than not live without them, and they don't prevent me from having an enjoyable and fulfilling life, it's just that they are always there, a permenent reminder beyond the physical scars.

Three years ago today, I genuinely wondered if I would see Christmas 2010, this week I applied for tickets for the Glasgow 2014 Commonwelath Games.  It was a few months ago, when I registered on the Glasgow 2014 site, that I realised that I was now daring to look more than a year ahead again.  I still find it discomfitting when friends talk about ten year plans or retirement plans, but the accuteness has abated.  I have, I think, learned better to live in the 'now' but with a chastened optimism that, whilst it does not assume longeviety, allows me to dream dreams and plan for the short term.

Later today I will be treating myself to the largeest skinny fairtrade latte I can find and a slice of something utterly unhealthy.  Life is good.

Three years, God, that's how long we think Jesus' ministry lasted

Three years: a lifetime, a blink of an eye,

A journey through uncharted territory...

Valleys dark as death

And mountain tops where I could see eternity

Three years that you have travelled with me

Showing me more of myself

Teaching me more than I could have imagined

And still, as I step into an unknown, unknowable, tomorrow

You are with me

For all that is past, 'thank you'

For what is to come, a chastened, tentative, but intentional 'yes'.