Not a resolution to do (or not do) something; resolution as in completion.

As my work on my conference paper nears completion with the fine-tuning of sharpening sentences, tweaking words and pruning extraneous stuff, it is clear to me that, for now anyway, thoughts of further serious research must be abandoned.  My once quick brain and strong concentration are now slow and limited, I must choose more carefully how to use them.  I am not saying 'never' to more research or writing, not even 'never' to a higher research degree (though realisitcally that seems very unlikely) but I am saying that this state of affairs is 'okay'.

In the early days, it really frustrated me that my concentration was poor - and it was very poor!  Now I accept that I have to work harder to read 'real' theology and that it has to be smaller amounts.  I continue to delight in new discoveries, to thrill at finding corroboration for things I think or believe, to wince at some of the challenges.  I just have to concede that three-hour stretches with complex books are not poosible, and that that is okay.

At one stage, as I tranformed my half done doctorate into an MPhil, I reassured myself with the thought that in a year ot two I could try again.  Having sweated my way through a 5000 word non-academic conference paper, I know that that is not goping to happen any time soon.  That, too is okay.

Way back when, I seem to recall learning about stages or phases of grieving - I think attributes is a better term since not everyone experiences all of them, never mind in the 'right' order.  Right at the end, after the denial, anger and other reactions/emotions comes resolution.  Have I been latently grieving my lost intellect? I don't know.  Neither anger nor denial have been part of my experience. Frustration and disappointment, certainly, and I can't say even now that 'it doesn't matter' because it does.  Bit it is okay.  I have found my sense of resolution - if that is all (and it isn't/won't be) my conference paper achieves, then it has been worth every ounce of slog (if slog can be measured in ounces!)

resolution, completion: 'okay' is good enough.