Over the last week or so I have found myself largely devoid of anything meaningful to post.  I think this is because I am VERY tired and in need of my holiday. 

Life on the whole is pretty darned good, and I have enjoyed being able to race around and do stuff almost as I used to.  But I have worked straight through since January without a break (apart from a couple of Bank Holidays) and it is taking its toll.

My brain is finally showing signs of some recovery of capacity, I am gobbling up novels on my Kindle and looking forward to returning to reading theology properly again.  For all that, it feels as if it has a few holes bored in it and sometimes everything falls out leaving a void where the thoughts should be... very odd!

My joints are steadily getting worse, and that is really frustrating.  Having for years been one of the first to leap up and move tables or chairs, carry stacks of books or whatever, I now have to chose carefully what I do and don't do.  If I miss a dose of meds or do something I shouldn't I pay for it.  Add to that the fact that in the cold and damp my scars tighten and become sort it is all quite challenging at times.  It's a no-brainer... sore joints and achey scars and being alive and generally well vs cancer and death... no contest.

I think that my self confidence is slowly returning... I am certainly less secure in my abilities than I was a couple of years back, and a lot of the shadow sides of my strengths are looming very large, fuelling my insecurities.  I am more easily knocked than I used to be... something I gather is quite a natural consequence of the path I've travelled health-wise this last 18 months (I am still not quite at the first anniversary of ending my active treatment... it's the day I fly out on holiday)

Over recent months I have come to find a vague parallel between what I have felt and these characters:

The scarecrow - chemobrain, post operative loss of concentration... and of course getting a certificate (my MPhil... how DID I manage to do that when my brain was so addled?)

The tin man - every morning waking up with seized joints, the achy scars, the loss of va va voom... and of course the charity half marathon I walked and the charity mountain climb I have planned...

The lion - the loss of confidence, the frustration at not being able to do what once I did... and the fact that actually I am still, compared to so many, in very good health and able to do so much that delights and excites me... and to face the complex challenges that life bring me... 

Unlike Dorothy, home, as in where I came from is not an option.  I can't just click my heels and go back- real life isn't like that.  But here's the spooky bit... when I moved to Glasgow I bought a pair of red shoes for my induction service, and a friend commented at the time that they were my ruby slippers... The thing is, this is home, for the foreseeable future anyway.  I am tired, my brain isn't what it once was, my body has aged a decade or more in a year, I have lost confidence... but I am where I am meant to be, and in that I rejoice.

So, yes, off on my holidays later this week (once I've written the Pentecost service!) and hopefully will return refreshed and renewed ready for the exciting events planned for June.

...plus set up and and clear up time, so around six and a half total...

A very different approach to church for us, so old that it was new, whereby we combined morning worship with the Church Meeting, sang hymns that covered four hundred years (plus a bit) and ended with communion.  We devoted substantial amounts of time to reflecting on the story of our redevelopment - now into its thirteenth year - and to a whole range of proposal arising from our recent ministry review.  We also paved the way for some important work in the area of diversity and inclusivity.

It was, overall, good, lots of positive feedback and everything carried unanimously.  If could go back and do it again, I'd handle a few bits better... but then I guess we can all always deduce that...

God is good... and I am tired in a good way.

Ready for my hols, but also excited at what will be ahead of me when I return.

One of the hymns we used was this one, by Christopher Idle, which was written for Peckham Park Baptist Church

What is our mission in this place,
our vision for these days?
Our homes alive with love for God
our cities filled with praise!
The church a true community
to serve our neighbourhood;
friends gathered round by Jesus Christ
at work for all, for good.

To welcome everyone in need
with free, affirming care;
to hear God's word, to teach his truth,
his justice find and share:
to send, and to be sent ourselves
and look for opening doors
along the street, or nationwide,
or far beyond our shores.

To build in partnership with Christ,
to pray 'Your Kingdom come',
that he who changed us at his cross
will heal this place, our home.
O Holy Spirit, move our hearts;
mend us and make us one,
in beautiful variety
our heaven on earth begun!

Christopher Idle © Christopher Idle/Jubilate Hymns Ltd

Today I downloaded some books onto my Kindle for holiday reading.  It happens that two of them are by authors I know or have known in real life.

Mark Haddon sat next to or opposite me at school for two years in the early nineteen seventies, so I am always curious to read his work and see who he is 'quoting'... such as our class teacher from 1972/3 who gave her name to a character in A Spot of Bother.

Less known is Peter Johnstone who has assured me I won't like his debut novel... time will tell.  He and his family attended the same church as I did for a number of years in the late nineteen nineties and, by the quirks of these things, have some convoluted connections with the Gathering Place.

Two very different people, two very different books, but these and a few others will help some very long journeys to pass in the next little while!

A whole generation of theological students was exptected to wade its way through Walter Wink's tomes in the Powers series.  They were challenging and insightful explorations of a central thesis roughly thus:

The powers are good

The powers are fallen

The powers can be redeemed

Being made to read Wink and Bosch at the same time was maybe a tad mean, but each of these writers' thoughts have been signficant in shaping my own.

As Walter Wink experiences the fulfilment of the promises that shaped his life, may we who remain play our own part on the ongoing redemptive work of Christ within, through and of the Powers.

A week on from Assembly, I've finally fished out my notes to recall what it was Chris Duffett said.

Here's a very brief summary...

• We have a big-hearted God
• Church exists for people who are battered, bruised and broken

Four things he observed...

1. Churches are like sex-shops or betting-shops... (hopefully that's self explanatory) we need to /be church differently
2. We need to show our big-hearted God via our own big-hearted joy
3. We need to love people
4. We need to do new things not just the same old, same old.

None of this is rocket science... but our corporate reluctance to do it might lead one to deduce otherwise!

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