Advent Prayers Week 2 - 16 people squeezed into the manse living room, loaves and fishes (well stew and apple pie) no problem, singing happy birthday to a 92 year-old (who wasn't the oldest there) and raising money for HMF.

This, I thought, is when it's all worth it.  No stroppy deacons to criticise (one supportive one to enjoy, another alas unable to make it this week).  An old lady brought a lemon sponge, someone else a ginger cake for next week, an offer of a Christmas cake to come... Five minutes of good, solid, heartfelt open prayer (as distinct from 30 minutes of embarrassed silence in the official prayer meetings)... Someone on the edge of the fellowship washing up, a couple of widows getting some much needed company...  The beginnings of community.

This is church!  And I've helped to make it happen!  Praise God who, in overflowing grace and love, seeks us before we have a clue we're being sought, and who never ceases to surprise us with moments of wonder.

Yesterday I received a phone call from someone booking their preaching plan for 2008.  With only four of their Sundays left to fill, the only one I could offer was December 7th!

Meanwhile, I am being driven to distraction by the lack of urgency about folk on my doorstep to plan a service on 25th December this year!   With one spare evening between now and said date, I eventually unilaterally declared a planning meeting - and I am waiting for anyone to let me know if they're coming.

Somewhere in between must be a happy medium, surely?!

Time for some low-grade twaddle, methinks.

Yesterday my sister's children treated me to a rendition of 'The Ten Constipated Men in the Bible' (though they could only remember three of them!) which someone, I think the new Principal but don't quote me, at Westeminster College Cambridge had sung at the end of term Revue under the heading of 'a feminist theologian reads scripture' or some such.

Having looked on the web, it appears this song, in various versions has been around for at least 30 years, and definitions of constipation seem to include extreme flatulence and diahorrea!  Anyway, just in case, like me, this is new for you, here are some verses I've found...

There were ten, ten, constipated men in the Bible, in the Bible

There were ten, ten, constipated men in the B-I-B-L-E

And the first, first, constipated man it was Adam, he soiled the garden...

And the second, second, constipated man, it was Cain, he wasn't Abel...

 

etc etc....

And in no particular order except as I found them

Moses, he took two tablets

Balaam, couldn't move his ass

Solomon, sat for forty years

Samson, brought the house down

Noah, for forty days only passed water 

Pharoah, who wouldn't let them go (not sure that counts really!)

Joshua blew the walls down

David threw a stone

Peter was like a rock

Titus, the name speaks for itself

Jesus, cleared the Temple (sounds more like too many baked beans to me!)

Jeremiah, broke the chamber pot

Judas whose guts split open

 

I also found a more inclusive version as follows...

TEN CONSTIPATED BEINGS, Or,
Five Constipated Men, Two Constipated Women, One Constipated Fallen Angel, One Constipated Saviour, and One Constipated God in the New Testament

There were ten, ten constipated beings
In the gospels, in the gospels,
There were ten, ten constipated beings
In the holy testament       [or: In the four synoptic gospels)

Now, the first ... was John the Baptist, he had to go before ...

And the 2nd ... Apostle Paul, they lowered him through the hole ...

The 3rd ... Apostle Peter, denied it three times ...

And the 4th ... Pontius Pilate, he had to wash his hands ...

Now, the 5th ... Judas Iscariot, he burst asunder ...

Now the 1st, 1st constipated woman ... Mother Mary, she used the manger ...

And the 2nd ... Sister Martha, she rose up hastily ...

And the one, one constipated fallen angel was Satan, who voided human good works ...

Now the one, one constipated Saviour, was Jesus, he rose after three days
                                OR:   he rode in on his ass,
                                OR: he blew the stone away,

Now, the One, One constipated God, whose name was GOD, who sits till Judgment Day ...

 

Many thanks to those who posted these on various blogs.  Readers feel free to add more verses...!

Advent is upon us and if, like me, you have been frustrated by Amazon's inability to deliver your resources ordered in October, you may be looking for something to look at each day as a 'pause for thought' type thing.

Hopeful Imagination is a blog where various people (by invitation) offer thoughts, poems, pictures and even mini-sermons for precisely this purpose.  Take a look - there will be some superb posts by really top bloggers (and a couple by me too!).

It's that day again - and this year I will miss it as I'm off to Cambridge on an ecumencial mission to vist my URC sister and her children to deliver Christmas gifts.

Two years ago, we had an abnormal count becuase a couple of youngsters arrived to worship with us.  Last year was abnormal because we had D+1 with us, distorting the attendance figure upwards.  This year all three under 50's are absent, so it's as well they don't split the age groups that finely, and several others are away for 'turkey and tinsel' type things.

My former church secretary never did the head count, so he tells me, rather he decided what he thought was the average attendance and listed that.  Last year D+1 decided to count the next week, becuase the joint service with us mucked up their claims of a higher attendance than their morning congregation got.

It makes me wonder just how meaningful anything that is deduced from these data might be.  I can't help feeling that the day of head counting is pretty much over - rather than churches sending in abitrary or artificial figures based on one Sunday service a year, perhaps we should be looking at our mission and what that looks like..?