Time for some low-grade twaddle, methinks.

Yesterday my sister's children treated me to a rendition of 'The Ten Constipated Men in the Bible' (though they could only remember three of them!) which someone, I think the new Principal but don't quote me, at Westeminster College Cambridge had sung at the end of term Revue under the heading of 'a feminist theologian reads scripture' or some such.

Having looked on the web, it appears this song, in various versions has been around for at least 30 years, and definitions of constipation seem to include extreme flatulence and diahorrea!  Anyway, just in case, like me, this is new for you, here are some verses I've found...

There were ten, ten, constipated men in the Bible, in the Bible

There were ten, ten, constipated men in the B-I-B-L-E

And the first, first, constipated man it was Adam, he soiled the garden...

And the second, second, constipated man, it was Cain, he wasn't Abel...

 

etc etc....

And in no particular order except as I found them

Moses, he took two tablets

Balaam, couldn't move his ass

Solomon, sat for forty years

Samson, brought the house down

Noah, for forty days only passed water 

Pharoah, who wouldn't let them go (not sure that counts really!)

Joshua blew the walls down

David threw a stone

Peter was like a rock

Titus, the name speaks for itself

Jesus, cleared the Temple (sounds more like too many baked beans to me!)

Jeremiah, broke the chamber pot

Judas whose guts split open

 

I also found a more inclusive version as follows...

TEN CONSTIPATED BEINGS, Or,
Five Constipated Men, Two Constipated Women, One Constipated Fallen Angel, One Constipated Saviour, and One Constipated God in the New Testament

There were ten, ten constipated beings
In the gospels, in the gospels,
There were ten, ten constipated beings
In the holy testament       [or: In the four synoptic gospels)

Now, the first ... was John the Baptist, he had to go before ...

And the 2nd ... Apostle Paul, they lowered him through the hole ...

The 3rd ... Apostle Peter, denied it three times ...

And the 4th ... Pontius Pilate, he had to wash his hands ...

Now, the 5th ... Judas Iscariot, he burst asunder ...

Now the 1st, 1st constipated woman ... Mother Mary, she used the manger ...

And the 2nd ... Sister Martha, she rose up hastily ...

And the one, one constipated fallen angel was Satan, who voided human good works ...

Now the one, one constipated Saviour, was Jesus, he rose after three days
                                OR:   he rode in on his ass,
                                OR: he blew the stone away,

Now, the One, One constipated God, whose name was GOD, who sits till Judgment Day ...

 

Many thanks to those who posted these on various blogs.  Readers feel free to add more verses...!

Advent is upon us and if, like me, you have been frustrated by Amazon's inability to deliver your resources ordered in October, you may be looking for something to look at each day as a 'pause for thought' type thing.

Hopeful Imagination is a blog where various people (by invitation) offer thoughts, poems, pictures and even mini-sermons for precisely this purpose.  Take a look - there will be some superb posts by really top bloggers (and a couple by me too!).

It's that day again - and this year I will miss it as I'm off to Cambridge on an ecumencial mission to vist my URC sister and her children to deliver Christmas gifts.

Two years ago, we had an abnormal count becuase a couple of youngsters arrived to worship with us.  Last year was abnormal because we had D+1 with us, distorting the attendance figure upwards.  This year all three under 50's are absent, so it's as well they don't split the age groups that finely, and several others are away for 'turkey and tinsel' type things.

My former church secretary never did the head count, so he tells me, rather he decided what he thought was the average attendance and listed that.  Last year D+1 decided to count the next week, becuase the joint service with us mucked up their claims of a higher attendance than their morning congregation got.

It makes me wonder just how meaningful anything that is deduced from these data might be.  I can't help feeling that the day of head counting is pretty much over - rather than churches sending in abitrary or artificial figures based on one Sunday service a year, perhaps we should be looking at our mission and what that looks like..?

Bah, humbug! I order some Advent books from Amazon which they promised faithfully to deliver by 3rd December - later than I'd have liked, but just about acceptable.  Today a ple of emails arrived saying they were sorry, they'd now be dispatched after 27th Decemebr...!  I know I could cancel the order, but maybe I'll just do Advent in January instead?  Thankfully I did get something from SPCK, so I'm not totally without resources.

Just as well I've pre-ordered the Archbishop's Lent book methinks!

That's it, I declare the silly season well and truly open - two Christmas fayres in as many days.

Last night Dibley Primary School where, for the third year, we ran a free/donations to PTFA funds craft stall.  Although we still hadn't made it onto the official plan, at least this year people just about recognised us and knew roughly what we were offering.  Our cracker making proved very popular, and we soon ran out, whilst card making kept some busy for a good half hour at a time creating amazing works of art.  What was good was chatting to one or two parents I now recognise, and one or two people saying they'd come along to our past carol events and enjoyed them.  It has taken three years to get this far - and not a small amount off sheer bloody mindedness on my part to keep it going (ah - that's what bleeding mission means!) but finally it's starting to pay off.  We gave about £14 to the PTFA from donations made on our stall, spoke to lots of people and gave out invitations to our Sing Christmas event - two hours well spent, I reckon.  Hopefully me little cohort of helpers are encouraged enough that they will report back to church and want to build on this..

Today D+2 Christmas Fayre where I was face painting.  I don't want another request for Spiderman for a very long time, even if he is easy to do.  I also did a lot of butterflies and flower fairies, the odd clown and one dalmation puppy.  I'm not a fan of church fayres, being of the view that suporting our day to day costs by selling tatty books and bric-a-brac is missing the point somewhere.  I struggle with a lot of what happens at D+2's fayres - raffles, alcohol tombolas and the like.  It is an area where gambling and alcohol fuelled problems are rife, and it seems to me the church is feeding not challenging this status quo.  Nonetheless, it is a good community event, attracting a lot of people from the adjoining area who would not otherwise ever cross the threshold, and they do receive a very warm welcome.  There was a simple, nutritious, dirt cheap lunch on offer - two courses and change from £1.  I abandoned charging for face painting because even my 50p charge was too steep for some, instead I painted first and let people pay what they felt 'up to 50p' afterwards - quite a few gave more - so in the end I contributed the grand sum of £11 to the £900 total! 

So, as I reflect, I come back to my starting point on church fayres.  I don't have a problem with them being used to raise money for other charities but baulk at them being a means of paying our own bills.  I do see them as an opportunity to meet more people and offer them something they won't find elsewhere.  I end up back at our outreach events, I guess, where we don't charge anyone anything and the church(es) is(are) expected to cover the costs from mission budget(s).  We say long and loud that God gives us the greatest free gift - and then we expect people to buy tat to pay for the upkeep of the organ/steeple/minister; to me this is a contradiction.  Much better we give away things and let people ask why there's no charge - whether that's fairy face painting, card and cracker making or, as we'll do in a fortnight, tea to 100 senior citizens.