I am home, and thawing out, after a very wordy Good Friday vigil that, in my opinion, attempted too much and didn't leave enough space for silence.  I am sure some folk loved it, it just wasn't for me.

There were some really thoughtful reflections, for which I was grateful, is it 'ironic' that they were offered by lay women? Or is it, in fact, just the way of things?  Thank you I and A.

Right at the end, the person leading decided to take us on a canter through the Stations of the Cross, stating that there are twelve... erm, nope, there are fourteen (just as a full Tenebrae has 14 candles).

So, just in case you wondered they are...

Traditional/Roman:

1. Pilate condemns Jesus to die
2. Jesus accepts his cross
3. Jesus falls for the first time
4. Jesus meets his mother, Mary
5. Simon helps carry the cross
6. Veronica wipes the face of Jesus
7. Jesus falls for the second time
8. Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem
9. Jesus falls for the third time
10. Jesus is stripped of his clothes
11. Jesus is nailed to the cross
12. Jesus dies on the cross
13. Jesus is taken down from the cross
14. Jesus is placed in the tomb

Biblical/Protestant:

1. Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane
2. Jesus is betrayed by Judas and arrested
3. Jesus is condemned by the Sanhedrin
4. Jesus is denied by Peter
5. Jesus is judged by Pilate
6. Jesus is scourged and crowned with thorns
7. Jesus takes up his cross
8. Jesus is helped by Simon of Cyrene to carry his cross;
9. Jesus meets the women of Jerusalem;
10. Jesus is crucified
11. Jesus promises his kingdom to the re[pentant thief
12. Jesus entrusts Mary and John to each other;
13. Jesus dies on the cross; and
14. Jesus is laid in the tomb.

Last evening was absolutely wonderful.  Thirteen of us gathered around my kitchen table sharing food, friendship, story and song.  Seven British (six Scots, one English). Six Iranians. Food from Britain and the Middle East (and, strictly speaking, beyond). Conversations that explored deeply church customs and scriptural record.

As my guests, as requested, left in silence, one of them, B, aged 8, turned to me, smiled and said, "thank you for a great evening".

Reward enough, were any needed.

As I cleared away left-over food (most to the fridge and freezer, a small amount straight to the bin), switched on the dishwasher, stacked the remaining crocks to wash this morning, stripped the table and returned chairs to their rightful homes, I smiled to myself and wondered, 'who washed up after the Last Supper?'

Given it was a guest room, it seems quite likely that it was the home owner, or failing that some of the women who had followed the Jesus entourage... we don't know who else, apart from the thirteen, was there, but almost certainly at least one woman to light the candles, and servants to carry in the meal.

Whoever it was, they had no idea what was going on outside. They may - or may not - have been privvy to what had taken place, may or may not have noticed Judas slip away early, or heard Jesus speak strange, new words.  They simply gathered platters and cups, cleared away scraps, swept the floor and, when all was done, took their rest.

I am glad that I have had the space and time to deal with the mundane clearing up after the feast (a great evening!) not knowing what my guests went on to do, because it takes me to a place of unknowing.  It slows down the relentless march toward Calvary, denies me insights to the Sanhedrin or Pilate's court, and leaves me suitably unprepared for what today will bring.

I am grateful to E, A, A, E, B & B who have helped me see with new eyes what it is we are remembering. 

And I am grateful to A, B, M, J, A & W who shared their insights, love and faith with our new friends.

I tried to think of a good sentence to close this post, and I couldn't, so, as at the end of yesterday's meal, we leave in silence.....................................

Sasha inspecting the table ahead of this evening's meal.

This evening, by fluke or divine inspiration or something, I have a dozen guests joining me for a 'Supper in the Shadows'.

It's a sort of blend of a Passvoer Seder with a Tenebrae Service.

I like that there will be thirteen of us - and of course a place for Elijah, if he shows up.

I like that there will be adults and children.

I like that there are people for whom this is not totally new, and others for whom it is absolutely new.

I like that I get to exercise hospitality, cook new recipes, cheat and buy ready made things I only need to heat, and share with others on this night of nights.

I am humbled that around my table will be people who have experienced the reality of clandestine meetings and the real fear of betrayal or arrest for their disicpleship of Christ.

I am humbled that around my table will be people from different walks of life, different nationalities, different political opinions and so on.

I am humbled that, in some measure, God will touch each and every one of us, whether through a word, a song, a symbol, or a spoonful of stawberries and cream!

So, it's officially two weeks into my wean-off period and time to decide whether to stick at alternate days for another week, or move down to every third day.

I've opted to stick for another week or two for a couple of reasons...

• the transition effects are now wearing off, so there is little nausea, less intense nightmares and fewer (though no less intense) flushes.
• it's Holy Week, and I don't want to risk the resurrection of the Monster in a busy and demanding season of the church year.

Overall, I am fine, liking the non-drug days better than the drug ones, and, except where justified, not irritable.  So at least one more week of alternate days and then a further reduction in planned.

Watch this space!!