Well it made me smile, anyway.

I'm not at church this Sunday so it will be very careful exegesis that underpins the sermon (especially as it's someone whose research area is something like philosophical hermeneutics, whatever that is!!).

Twelve years ago I left college to start ministry.  I still remember my tutor asking, at the start of that final year, what sort of church context I was sensing might be my call.  I was clear on two things: not sub-urban and no building projects.  His response was, 'be careful what you wish for'

So I got rural and an (unexpected) building project.  Then I got urban and an (ongoing) building project.

Twelve years of building projects which have loomed large in the background of twelve years of, mostly, positive and productive ministry.

And of course it isn't just me affected by this - it has, and continues to be, a factor in the lives of each congregation.  Endless hours of volunteer energy devoted to plans and architects and solicitors and developers and funders and estate agents and OSCR/Charities Commission/BU Corporation and insurers.  Lots of meetings, lots of praying, lots of heart-searching, lots of letters, emails and phone calls...

So I'm just pausing for a moment to say 'thank you' to those who have served, and still serve, on the relevant committees of each of these churches.  It's not a glamorous task, and it's one that brings with it a huge emotional investment, trying to carry the hopes and dreams, disappointments and frustrations of a whole community.  And also to those who have served, and do serve as Charity Trustees, carrying the huge legal responsibility of enacting the will of the Church Meeting.

Assuming I am able to work until my 'normal' pensionable age, I have around 15 years of ministry left... so, if I include the four years I was at college, roughly as long to go as I've already done.  I hope all of that won't be taken up with building projects, but given my track record and God's weird sense of humour, it quite possibly will!

My copy of this arrived today - encouraging and refreshing to find another minister speaking honestly and openly about living with cancer.  A very different story from mine, and a very different perspective on life after death, but a good read and a great legacy from a man whose life was characterised by thoughtfulness and integrity.

My first batch of craft materials for summer worship has arrived :-)

The last few weeks have proved quite challenging in various ways, some which perhaps might have been avoided had I acted or reacted differently, and some totally beyond my control. 

My tendency to over-reflect, accompanied by a tendency to assume everyone else is correct and I'm not, is not always a healthy combination.  Sometimes I beat myself up for reasons that are unjustified.  Sometimes I internalise and personalise critique, mistaking it for criticism.  Sometimes I fail to engage my own critical faculties in weighing things up and dismissing that which is unfounded or untrue.

And then it is a downward spiral, all my shadow side traits emerging unhelpfully and ultimately undermining me...

So I need to hear the voice of Jesus speaking to this inner storm of negativity and saying, "Stop it! Stop it, I called you as you are, I equipped you as I needed, that has not changed, and will not change.  be still, and know that." 

From what I can gather, we minister types fall into two main groups, those who think they are always right and those who think they are always wrong... there must be a middle ground somewhere, where healthy self-esteem and good growth can occur, but it seems quite rare.

Anyway, for the time being I am going to choose to focus on positives, to record and celebrate any tiny moment of affirmation or encouragement, any hint that just maybe God's Spirit is at work within me.

I post this not in search of lovely replies from my 'fans', but because I know that I am far from alone - in every church there are people, ministers orotherwise, who need to be given permission to stop focussing on their limitations or shortcomings and instead to delight in the good bits, the pleasurable moments, the little sucesses.  I'm going to try - will you?