Twelve years ago I left college to start ministry.  I still remember my tutor asking, at the start of that final year, what sort of church context I was sensing might be my call.  I was clear on two things: not sub-urban and no building projects.  His response was, 'be careful what you wish for'

So I got rural and an (unexpected) building project.  Then I got urban and an (ongoing) building project.

Twelve years of building projects which have loomed large in the background of twelve years of, mostly, positive and productive ministry.

And of course it isn't just me affected by this - it has, and continues to be, a factor in the lives of each congregation.  Endless hours of volunteer energy devoted to plans and architects and solicitors and developers and funders and estate agents and OSCR/Charities Commission/BU Corporation and insurers.  Lots of meetings, lots of praying, lots of heart-searching, lots of letters, emails and phone calls...

So I'm just pausing for a moment to say 'thank you' to those who have served, and still serve, on the relevant committees of each of these churches.  It's not a glamorous task, and it's one that brings with it a huge emotional investment, trying to carry the hopes and dreams, disappointments and frustrations of a whole community.  And also to those who have served, and do serve as Charity Trustees, carrying the huge legal responsibility of enacting the will of the Church Meeting.

Assuming I am able to work until my 'normal' pensionable age, I have around 15 years of ministry left... so, if I include the four years I was at college, roughly as long to go as I've already done.  I hope all of that won't be taken up with building projects, but given my track record and God's weird sense of humour, it quite possibly will!

My copy of this arrived today - encouraging and refreshing to find another minister speaking honestly and openly about living with cancer.  A very different story from mine, and a very different perspective on life after death, but a good read and a great legacy from a man whose life was characterised by thoughtfulness and integrity.

My first batch of craft materials for summer worship has arrived :-)

The last few weeks have proved quite challenging in various ways, some which perhaps might have been avoided had I acted or reacted differently, and some totally beyond my control. 

My tendency to over-reflect, accompanied by a tendency to assume everyone else is correct and I'm not, is not always a healthy combination.  Sometimes I beat myself up for reasons that are unjustified.  Sometimes I internalise and personalise critique, mistaking it for criticism.  Sometimes I fail to engage my own critical faculties in weighing things up and dismissing that which is unfounded or untrue.

And then it is a downward spiral, all my shadow side traits emerging unhelpfully and ultimately undermining me...

So I need to hear the voice of Jesus speaking to this inner storm of negativity and saying, "Stop it! Stop it, I called you as you are, I equipped you as I needed, that has not changed, and will not change.  be still, and know that." 

From what I can gather, we minister types fall into two main groups, those who think they are always right and those who think they are always wrong... there must be a middle ground somewhere, where healthy self-esteem and good growth can occur, but it seems quite rare.

Anyway, for the time being I am going to choose to focus on positives, to record and celebrate any tiny moment of affirmation or encouragement, any hint that just maybe God's Spirit is at work within me.

I post this not in search of lovely replies from my 'fans', but because I know that I am far from alone - in every church there are people, ministers orotherwise, who need to be given permission to stop focussing on their limitations or shortcomings and instead to delight in the good bits, the pleasurable moments, the little sucesses.  I'm going to try - will you?

Last night was the final midweek reflection of our six month experiment.  The last of our Ignatian style series, I used the short 'review of the day' (examen) from Pray As You Go.

The examen is a guided process in which the participant is invited to think back over thier day, identifying highs and lows, joys and regrets, struggles and achievements, all without judgement.  They are then invited to see how God has been present in all of that, and offer it all back to God.

There are oodles of similar techniques, some overtly faith-based others not.  It's a good practice and one I know I need to cultivate better.

Sitting alone, since no-one else was able to be there, and looking back over what was mainly a "good day" after a couple of weeks that have been quite challenging, I found myself pondering the whole six month experiment.

There were four phases, each of five to six weeks duration, with a gap for Holy Week and Easter.

The Introduction to Mindfulness was well attended and people stuck at it even if they found it challenging or even if they concluded it was 'not for them'.  Whether anyone has now explored it further I don't know - I should probably have asked - but it seemed to be well appreciated.

The Lent Study attracted the largest numbers, and we enjoyed some stimulating conversations around the  themes raised by the film Les Miserables.  At the end of the series, partiicpants felt that they'd like a bit of a change next year, moving away from a film-based study to something more along the lines of a study guide.

Compline saw us move to a later slot, at 9 p.m., on the basis that the lighter nights made it feasible to be out later.  Numbers were always small, and for many poeple the timing was a problem.  One night I sat alone saying the office, which I found surprisingly upsetting... I did reflect on it at the time, and I know that, theologically/spiritually it didn't matter that it was only me, but personally it did.

The Ignatian series, downloaded from Pray As You Go was really valued by the one person, other than me, who came along each week.  I, too, found the reflections  valuable, even though it's not really my preferred style.  And then last night the other person was unable to come and I sat alone to undertake the examen.

I'm glad we tried the experiment, because at the start there did seem to be a significant appetite for it, and lots of apparent enthusiasm.  Maybe I didn't ask the right questions, or maybe people were too polite to express opinions, but it does seem, on reflection, to have 'missed the mark'.  That's not a bad thing, not the sign of a failed experiment - any true experiment has to be open to whatever its outcome.

And this post is not aimed at anyone other than myself - these are my reflections on my involvement with the experiment.  I feel that I have learned a lot, about myself if nothing else.

Last week the Deacons and I discussed the way forward following this experiment.  It was a good and helpful conversation, honest and engaged.  I feel confident, then, that the next steps we make will be good ones.