I began my day by checking the current VAT rate and sending out emails on various administrative and premises related topics.  I had it in mind to write one of those "things they don't teach you at vicar school" posts, then events overtook me.

There was a phone call to return to a local faith-related organisation to give them our detials for a new directory they are creating.  Then a meeting with someone from a Christian arts/music organisation.  Then a very important pastoral matter to attend to.  There was the 'letter' to write for the monthly newsletter and my annual minister's report to finalise.  There are sill a whole heap of jobs not begun let alone done... my desk is still buried under candles and books, I still haven't begun either of the book reviews due by the end of this month...

But, as I near knocking off time after a reasonably 'normal' length day, I know that this role is characterised by enormous privleges that outweigh any frustrations at not getting done all - or sometimes even any - of what I had planned.  As the old adage goes, "tell God your plans and she laughs..."

I love looking at the moon, and where I live I can often look out on a clear night and admire its silvery beauty.

Last night was such a night.

At various key moments of life, happy and sad, I have chosen to look at the moon which keeps silent vigil over all life.  I think that's why I love the moon so much... its 'softer gleam' bathes the earth in the dark watches of night and signals constancy when all around changes... the same moon watched over Gethsemane and Bethlehem... the same moon will watch over earth long after I am gone and forgotten, and that somehow gives me comfort.

This morning we wrapped up our Commonwealth Games themed services with a 'closing ceremony' in which we contemplated passing on the baton - the stories, the values, the faith that has been entrusted to us by those who went before us.

As a church, and as a nation, we have massive decisions to make this autumn, but whatever the outcome- whether it is all we dream of or our worst nightmare realised - the gospel is unchanged and is the unique gift we bring to a broken and battered world.

The summer has not been all plain sailing, there have been challenges along the way, but, as it draws to its natural end, I feel energised and exhilerated... and just a little bit exhaustificated!! 

Two free Sundays now before the autumn term gets underway.

Conversations and reflections this morning have led me to recall this modern day parable...

One morning an adult was walking on a nearly deserted beach. He came upon a child surrounded by thousands and thousands of starfish. As eagerly as he could, the youngster was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean.

Puzzled, the adult looked at the young child and asked, "Little one, what are you doing?"

The child responded without looking up, "I'm trying to save these starfish."

The adult chuckled aloud, and queried, "There are thousands of starfish and only one of you. What difference can you make?"

Holding a starfish in their hand, the child turned to the adult and, gently tossing the starfish into the water, said, "It will make a difference to that one!"

Today's PAYG was based on Matthew 16: 24 - 28:

Then Jesus told his disciples, ‘If any want to become my followers, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For those who want to save their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit them if they gain the whole world but forfeit their life? Or what will they give in return for their life?

 ‘For the Son of Man is to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay everyone for what has been done. Truly I tell you, there are some standing here who will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.’

The reflection focussed briefly on "what will it profit them if they gain the whole world bur forfeit their life?" and asked about the temptation to 'sell out'

There is no getting away from the fact that the next few weeks in Scotland are going to see massive media coverage of matters relating to the upcoming referendum on Independence.  Emotions are already running high in both 'camps' and I have folk at church equally strongly committed to each view for all sorts of reasons, some more 'heart', some more 'head' some more 'fear' some more 'equality' some more 'it ain't broke' some more 'it's utterly broke', and so on and so on.  As an 'undecided' (apparently we account for 7% of the population) I find it really hard... people I love of both views telling me how the other side is dishonest or devious, or that they haven't heard the views that I refer to.  They didn't teach you this one a vicar school!  What they did teach us is that you can't separate out politics (issues of power) from faith so I know that open engagement with the subject is vital.

It isn't, for me, a head-heart battle, since both my head and heart are divided and undecided here!  It isn't a theological struggle - I don't believe in earthly nation states at that level, and whatever the rhetoric on either side the values of justice, equality etc. are not so easy in practice, no-one is convincing me (yet) they are better placed to achieve them.

I was clueless, five years ago, when I moved across a humanly defined border, in response to God's call, what the issues were, or how both Scottish and English (no one ever seems to mention Wales of Northern Ireland, let alone Isle of Man or the Channel Islands) audiences are equally misled by the media.  Five years on I am tired of defending each to the other, tired of being told the A is better than B when actually it seems to me, at least some of the time, they are simply making different choices.

Come 18th September of course I will vote - but I honestly haven't yet decided, and if I choose the 'winning' side it will be a first... Come 19th September I will get behind whatever decision is made and do my best to work for the good of those I serve, irrespective of the outcome.

"What does it profit a person to gain the whole world and lose their life?"  What if we get whatever we think we want and in the process lose our humanity?  What if we become more polarised more partisan, more sectarian, more us-over-against-them, more smug?  What if it goes well and we become arrogant?  What if it goes belly up and we become bitter ansd twisted?

When I got to the end of PAYG this morning something strange happened... something very rare given I'm a tough non-emotional type: I started to cry.  

The call to follow Jesus, to deny self, and follow is very costly.  Deny self... not what serves me or mine best, not what makes me or mine happy or more fulfilled... I think I was crying because I hate division and avoid conflict, I think I was crying because the body of Christ is being wounded, I think I was crying because I did leave what I knew and understood to follow the call of Christ, and unless, until, God suggests otherwise I will remain here, even if that may mean being a resident alient with a work permit (for all my theological claims I'm not going to change my birth nationality for anyone!), I think I was crying because God was touching somehting inside me.

I'm still not sure which way I will vote.  I still find myself being a chameleon and questioning whichever view people express.  But I will continue to walk in the footsteps of the one who died on a cross, and in whom there is neither Scottish or English, Union or Indpendence, Salmond or Cameron, or, indeed, any other divisive identity.

PS to Gatherers... this doesn't mean don't share your views with me, nor does it mean don't try to covince me of your stance (I need all the help I can get and enjoy the debating/discussing/challenging) just don't expect me to find it easy... and I doubt very much I'll ever let on which way I vote in the end!