This morning I have been tracking down references for some of the more vague parts of my paper - courses I took years ago, concepts that are part of me not just head knowledge.

So here's what I discovered...

• I once taught at what I now know to be post grad level without knowing it as an industry trainer, ergo I was clever once.
• I have subconsciously developed and enhanced ideas I learned donkey's years ago, demonstration that I'm a reflective learner but meaning I don't have neat references for the ideas!
• Once upon a time I was very good at maths!
• I have actually written some pretty good theological essays over the years

Some concepts, metaphors and ideas keep on re-emerging in my writing and thinking, whatever the topic.  Ironically despite despising geometric optics in A level physics (sorry Mrs Harris if you're reading) lenses, mirrors, prisms, diffraction, refraction and so on occur over and again in what I write on such diverse topics as possible Johannine anti-semitism, ecclesiology and even historical method.

Often I feel fikk, but I think that's OK so long as now and then I realise that actually I do know stuff after all!

Help!  I need a reference for a paper I am about to submit and can't find one because the concept is one I've been aware of for a decade and have no idea where it comes from!

Can anyone give me a reference for the literary theory concept of the 'Ideal Reader' NOT the 'implied reader' (I have heaps for that!)?  I think there's a subtle difference between the two and that's all I'm wanting to say but without a reference I'll be in big trouble!!  Alas none of my literary theory books seem to mention it.  Pah!

Thank you kind people.

So, this is the 'now and not yet' period between pastorates when I am still the minister of Dibley and the minister designate of a place whose online name has yet to reveal itself to me.  It's a liminal place - a threshold between what is and what will be, between what was and what is now.  As a result Karen Smith's talks on 'ministry in the meantime' at the NAM conference are a helpful resource for thinking a bit about how to manage the next three months or so.

It is a time for laying down - stepping down from various committees and positions of responsibility locally and nationally.  A time for accepting that what happens with them from now on is not my responsibility and (which is often harder) not my concern.

It is a time for untying ties and tying up loose ends - a mysterious tidying up and letting go.  A time to pass over all the paperwork to others having got it in order first.

It is a time for saying 'no' with impunity.  How freeing to able to decline invitations to speak at Lesser Nowhere's women's meeting without feeling guilty!

It is a time for slowing down and letting all the pervasive thoughts slip out of my mind (how crowded it is with pastoral and practical stuff).

A time for saying goodbyes and preparing to say hellos somewhere new.

There are still things to be done - a wedding in a fortnight, shut-ins to visit, coaches to book for lunch club and an essay to tidy up and submit for 6th July (ulp) to say nothing of five year's worth of minutes etc for shredding - but I am actually looking forward to some space simply to be.

I'm not terribly good at doing nothing, and part of this period has to be devoted to getting a second essay written, but right now I am tired through and through and will be glad to attempt the meantime ministry of small things and gentle waiting.

This afternoon I took a young couple to the Registry Office in County Hall for a 3p.m. appointment to complete their wedding paperwork.  I knew they were cutting it fine - and did not appreciate the fact that the registrar told me off!  This was my fault how precisely?!  The date was fixed a year ago but due to their personalities they left everything until the last possible moment which meant our local registry office had no appointments left and the one I took them to (because they have no transport) could only offer the last slot of the day... on the last day they could register to marry on their chosen date.  I know I don't do late (big time) but surely for something this important it was cutting things just a bit too fine by anyone's standards - what if there had been a hitch (and there so nearly was)?  I dunno, the youf of today...

Just spent two days on the BUGB racial justice training course.  It's important stuff and the content was good, if at times a little intense with inadequate time to reflect and a quite a lot of closing down issues if the temperature rose slightly.  I came away not quite sure how to feel really - justice issues operate at so many levels and impact so many people.  The danger is that they seem to set one group of 'victims' over against another as they vie for who has it worse.  I think I'd have liked an extra day, some more time to reflect and smoe proper space for in depth conversations.  But then someone else said it could all have been done in one day...

In the evening I was at GB finishing off a series of 'stories that Jesus told' and used the Good Samaritan and some of the ideas from the course.  I was impressed by the natural sense of justice my girls expressed and the oh so open vulnerability of the one who gets bullied at school because she has incontinence problems.  I hope they know we love them and value them in all their diversity.  Most of these girls grow up in relative poverty on a sink estate where drugs, alcohol and incest are prevalent.  Who will be their voice?  At least we can welcome them and encourage them.

Courses are safe, hypothetical and clean; life is messy and dirty.  So long as it feels like a battle to see who is more unjustly treated we are getting it wrong.  Only when we all admit we get a lot of it wrong but that we are trying to get it right will any real progress be made.

It was good whilst at Hothorpe to catch up with a few readers/bloggers putting faces to names and sound to image.  Now back to the mundane of everyday ministerial life.