A wet Bank Holiday - a great excuse to curl up with some of the books that have sat on my 'light reading' heap, having been picked up in supermarkets and on charity book tables in recent weeks.  I enjoyed having the time to read these books - three over the course of the weekend - though none of them would really pass as literature: two were pretty much pulp fiction and the other - well I'm not sure really, ostensibly autobiography/social history it also had hints of theology, or at least spirituality.  The last one woke up the research corner of my brain making we wonder yet again just what constitutes history and how it may or may not be useful.

There was one thing that really annoyed me with the last of the books, and is increasingly annoying me, which was the use of American English not only in the idiom (which just sounds daft when put into a middle England context with middle English characters) but the spellings - which are creeping more and more into the writing of people who, in my view, should know better.  Accounts of people 'waiting in line' for a bus in London (whatever happened to queueing?) or having 'gotten wet' irritate but don't infuriate.  It is 'smelt' for 'smelled' and 'spelt' for 'spelled' that really offend my sensibilities.  Smelt, as any purist knows is either (a) a small fish or (b) a product of melting metal ore - in the UK it has nothing to do with aromas or odours (however pongy the fish!).  Likewise 'spelt' is a cereal crop - having as much to do with the arrangement of letters in words as a alphabetti spaghetti.  So, my inner Lynn Truss has been awakened once more.

Rant over!

I was just reading Richard's report for YBA on his church's Hope 08 initiatives - FANTASTIC!  One of the central themes is doing things for free and turning away offers to pay for car washing etc.  This is a culture I have been advocating - and largely managing to achieve - in the initiatives of our little church too.  We give away stuff at our events which usually astounds people who then ask us why - though having said that at our last event someone objected to the fact that the Fairtrade Gift Stall was, as advertised, selling products.  We have hosted meals, given goody bags to children, painted faces, hired bouncy castles, given away butties in the pub and so on for one simple reason - God gives freely to us.

Back in the 1980's (I think) the song 'freely, freely' was very popular.  Thinking back, it is probably one of those from which the message lodged somewhere deep in my psyche or soul or wherever things lodge.  When we used to sing it in GB in Warrington, local accents rendered it free-er-lee, free-er-lee and I guess that's how I still hear it - but the message is still valid: free-er-lee you have received, free-er-lee give to others.  The song is very dated, and it is not without its limitations, but I like its missional thrust.

John 3:16 says 'God so loved the cosmos that he gave...' I think sometimes we get so hung upon the super holy aspects of this, so accustomed to the traditional interpretation as 'world' which we then hear as 'humanity,' that we miss the word 'gave.'  God didn't leave out a saucer for donations, rather the choice was do something that embarasses us in its open handed generosity - God gave.  Maybe if we can truly grasp the idea of giving away our love - in flowers, car washes, litter picks, lunches with lonely people, smiles on the faces of children, carols in the pub or whatever - it is we who will blessed as we begin to grasp a little more of the mystery who the God who gives free-er-lee to all...

Is a lovely phrase and we all think we know what it means - until we try to do it.  But how do we really know if what we think is of God?  What clues are there to indicate that we might be wide of the mark?

My little congregation is faced with this kind of question as we think about our future.  We have tried pushing various doors to see if they would open, and some did, a little bit, before slamming firmly in our faces.  So was it God who slammed them or other people not in tune with God?  Was it God who unlocked them or us who picked the locks?  How can we ever know for sure?

Some people - quite a lot actually - honestly believe that we absolutely must have our own premises.  Others absolutely believe we must not, so who is in tune with God and who is listening to their own desires?  How do we know?  Who is qualified to judge?

Some people believe that we are not praying enough (quantity) or adequately (in faith), others think we are doing OK.  Some people want to add more and more prayer meetings they won't attend, and others want to better resource those we do have.  But what does God think?

Some people want to add more new initiatives, others want to consolidate what we have - but what of God?

Sometimes I wish God wrote things on clouds in gold letters, because it would make life so much easier.  Sometimes I wish God did email or MSN or some such.  The truth is, I think, that discernment is blooming hard work and it is only restrospectively that we have any chance of having any clue whether we got it right. Whether God in fact opted for plan 77B because we just didn't get it is something I guess we will never know...

Sometimes professionalism is hard.  It was hard half an hour ago when I received a phone call to let me know one of my old ladies had died suddenly this morning.  A routine operation for a knee replacement, which had all gone well, she'd expected to be home tomorrow, and then wham, an infection and she's gone.

Joan - I've tried replacing her name for anonymity but there's no other name that works - had a wonderful smile, always sat on the second row, appreciated the provision of 15" screens at eye level, jioned in with my more crazy ideas, and i will miss her greatly.

If heaven is a place rather than a state of being, and if it is now rather than at the end of time, then today it is the richer and brighter for having her.  Farewell loved friend, rest in peace.

A few random thoughts that don't fit under any neat kind of a heading!

At yesterday's Women in Ministry Day, three of our women RMs were sharing some of their thoughts on their roles.  It was interesting, but what struck me was how much we all seem to feel the need to justify not being some perceived stereotype of cuddly, motherly, nurturing types.  Whilst most women ministers are married and many of those are mothers, it doesn't automatically follow that our gifts and skills in the church are reflective of that.  It seemed to be fairly normative experience that churches expect their women ministers to be nice (which I, for one, don't 'do'), maybe a bit of a doormat, certainly willing to double as her own wife and attend the ladies meetings and so on.  For all that, most of us have had other professions/roles before being ministers, and many of us have good leadership, administrative and organisational skills, but it can be difficult to find these valued by churches.  Lack of confidence seemed to abound - one very gifted RM spoke, half jokingly, of her fear of being 'found out.'  We talked about why women (in general, not just in ministry) don't apply for 'senior' positions and concluded it was probably because we look at job descriptions and won't consider ourselves good enough unless we can tick all (or at least most) of the boxes, whilst at least some male colleagues will apply if they can tick one or two.  I'm not sure how true that is generally for men - because I haven't asked any, and I don't know how much it is generational or churchified, but it is interesting.  When I think back to the Baptist (and other traditions) deaconesses, I am pretty sure they weren't cuddly, nice people, because they were thrust into some pretty scary situations where they'd have needed to live on their wits.  This being the case, where did we get our nice cuddly 'lady minister' idea from?  Possibly the equally stereotypical minister's wife...?

Another thought that has been floating around my mind is on the topic of 'branding' in churchified things.  Yesterday we had a session on Godly Play - which is great stuff, but it is also big business, lots of books and places producing the props you need to tell the stories their way: parables have to go in golden boxes and so on.  The Fresh Expressions movement - which is great - has spawned a whole set of branded products.  Messy Church which was one church doing stuff that anyone could do has suddenly become a formula complete with books and logos.  Stuff in pubs has found a brand name and so on.  I'm not quite sure what to think about any/all of this.  My guess is that Alpha has worked wonderfully as a branded evangelism package (even if I prefer Emmaus) and gives people some sense of confidence in attempting to use it.  At the same time, the kind of 'instant outreach model' just add prayer/faith troubles me a bit because it potentially stifles human creativity and, dare I suggest it, even God's spirit.  I have shelves of resource books, some so old they are funny, though the basic ideas remain useful, and I am not anti-branding (afer all I am a Baptistminister), I just wonder if we sometimes rush too quickly to the 'ready meal' when we would be so much more satisfied if we got fresh ingredients and created our own menu?  Maybe it is a symptom of our Post Modern (etc etc) world that despite all our talk of freedom and individuality every church experience, like every high street and shopping centre, feels much the same as any other?

Now if I was clever, I would work out how to relate the two strands of thought above.  I guess the reality is that I'm a fairly creative person - in a broad sense of the word - who also needs order, so whilst I value the prepackaged schemes as starting points, I don't want to be constrained by them.  Perhaps that is why I like working with children who don't yet know all the pat answers - their responses require me to think on my feet and to be willing to explore avenues I hadn't considered.  Structure with flexibility perhaps?  And if that's a girlie thing, well I reckon it is so much better than 'nice'!