Next week I'm off to North Wales to spend a week reading and writing - hurrah!  It will be good to be away from phones and even from the internet (the church laptop, which I'll be taking with me to type on, is configured so I can't access the internet on it).  I am hoping that the essay will happen!

This morning all sorts of random thoughts are running through my mind, perhaps because a few things have happened this week that have given me pause for thought.

Yesterday I was learning how to be a NAM mentor - I think I'm allowed to say this now I've done the training.  It was a good day, but in some ways a scary one.  My colleague and I, both mid forties, were by far the youngest people there, which troubles me a bit.  Not because there is anything wrong with wise, retired ministers mentoring inexperienced, younger ones, but because it suggests we are a pretty silver-haired denomination.  Who will mentor the young ministers (i.e. 20's and 30's) who is not old enough to be their grannie?  (Lucy, if you are reading this come and settle near me and you can rejuvenate me!)  I was also troubled that for so many ministers, never mind churches, minister = married man.  I wish I had half the grace of the Didcot folk who so gently handled all the 'he' and 'his wife' references; I'd have been removing heads after the first ten or so!  It's a good scheme, and it is a real privilege to be invited to be part of it, so thank you EMBA/BU for doing so.

For some reason this morning I woke up thinking of the old joke about pigs and chickens in relation to commitment.  I'm sure you all know it, and many tell it better than I do.  When you consider the 'full British breakfast,' you discover the difference between pigs and chickens - whilst the chicken has an investment in the process, the pig is totally committed.  I think this emerged from my subconscious because I'd been pondering both the Luke 9 'follow me' implications, especially 'let the dead bury their own dead, you must proclaim the Kingdom of God,' and the John 'unless an ear of wheat falls to the ground and dies.'  In a couple of weeks we have Vision Day Part II at church, and somewhere in all the thinking and discerning these things will fit.  Tomorrow the estate agent comes to see me about selling our defunct building, a chapter is drawing to a close and my largely elderly congregation do need to get their heads around some big issues.  But whether we are pigs or chickens...

Later on today I have to go to the optician for the annual regime of weird and wonderful tests to show whether the genetic glaucoma has hit me yet (it won't for at least 20 years based on the forbears who have/had it).  I don't enjoy these tests one bit, they leave my eyes sore and tired, but they are necessary to maintain my vision.  And I guess there is something similar about the process of church or minister self-examination: it isn't very pleasant, but it is necessary for health.  "Where there is no vision the people perish."  I recall a particularly poor sermon that used this text and got all muddled up with reference to spectacles and contact lenses, but it did have one useful message, namely that 'vision' is more than 'dream', it is actually about the ability to see clearly and accurately what the situation is.

Writing this random stuff, I find an old prayer, that was used in primary school assemblies, returning to my mind.  The recollection may not be perfect - it is more than 35 years since I last recited it - but it seems appropriate...

Oh Holy Jesus, most merciful redeemer, friend and brother

May we see Thee more clearly

Love Thee more dearly

And follow Thee more nearly

Day by day

Amen.

The Prayer of St Richard (?)

Yesterday I learned a new to me worship song.  There were parts of it that were great but the end really grated.  It was the Noel and Tricia Richards song 'Filled with Compassion' the last verse of which says...

From every nation we shall be gathered,
Millions redeemed shall be Jesus' reward.
Then He will turn and say to His Father:
"Truly my suffering was worth it all!"

Is it me, probably it is, but I don't recall anything about 'reward' in the reasons for the cross, there was no 'if I do this then my Father will reward me.'  As I came to this verse - of a hymn/song that has some great ideas expressed - I was dismayed, it contradicted, or so it felt, everything I understand about the cross, about Christ's kenosis, about atonement, about Christ's character.  Maybe it is me, but I really cannot envisage Jesus looking around heaven/eternity/new creation and saying 'yup, actually you know what all that pain, isolation and death was worth while because this is the outcome.'  Surely part of God's risk was that even despite all this we would choose the way that deals death rather than the way that deals life.  To me this last line feels too human, too mercenary almost - how many souls saved is enough to make it worthwhile?  My understanding has always been that one would have been enough justification.  I don't want to knock someone's heartfelt response to God, but when I got to the end of this hymn I was left thinking 'not quite...'

Over the weekend my college prayer diary arrived.  I am always pleased to receive this, though have to confess to being rather a sporadic prayer-for the old place.  What I do enjoy is reading through it and seeing how life is moving along in an around Manchster.  Sometimes there are acronymns that are meaningless and often names of courses and programmes that did not exist in my day!

Reading through this one, I decided I'd been around quite a long time actually and know a scarily large number of the churches mentioned.  One of my former placement churhces was mentioned as having a student working with them.  I was, on balance, glad to see this; it is a church that has had some tough experiences and all credit to them and their minister that they now feel able to take on another student.  There was a little church in Derby where I was in membership 20 years ago (ulp!) and I was excited to think they are now able to support a student - I hope pastorally as well as practically.  There was one of the little Warrington churches where I used to preach occasionally, and a lady in the front row always slept through my sermons.

Today I am off on a course to learn how to support "baby" ministers - it is fitting therefore to look back as well as forward, to be grateful for those who have supported me in my ministry thus far.  In some ways it's hard to believe it is 5 years since I left college or that I left industry almost 9 nine years ago - where do the years go?

I will continue to pray, sporadically, for my old college, trusting that God will continue to bless the work that enables people like me to grow in undertsanding and be equipped to serve Christ's church.

Tonight the EMBA roadshow hit town - or at least the one 6 miles away - with its theme of mission in a confusing world, based on Acts 17 and Paul at the Areopagus.

It was a great evening - really well put together, and lots of photos sent in by various churches to make it pertinent and appealing (lots of ours, D+2 and D+6).  It was really encouraging and affirming for those of us trying to do mission creatively.

The one sadness was the awful turn out - only about 20 people total, of whom 4 were the Team and only three of us from non-host church (and one of the three was someone from north Derbyshire...).  Subtract the 6 musicians and you get a hint at how poor the turnout was...

One of my people came along, so I was pleased to have some company, but disappointed that 6 out of 8 cluster churches were completely absent and that the D/D+6 divide was as strong as ever - when we were asked to go into small groups someone from D+6 actually moved away from us which felt significant.  Ah me, what a diffenrence 6 miles makes.

Anyway, thank you EMBA team, and if you are in EMBA and reading this, do make the effort to get along when it reaches you so they feel a little less lonely than they must have done tonight.

Sometimes the simplistic read it and pray over it approach is so much more appealing!

OK, so now, having looked at a couple of adequately reputable commentaries I am more, not less, puzzled on how to proceed!

It seems that we begin with one sheepfold and many flocks (John 10: 1-6) since the only reason for the gatekeeper to be present is if this is some kind of communal fold in which various flocks can be accommodated when it is unsafe for them to be out at night.  The shepherd comes along, is recognised by the gatekeeper, calls the sheep and leads them out to the pleasures and perils of open pasture.

Next we have one sheepfold with one flock (John 10: 7 - 13 or thereabouts) where the shepherd acts as the gatekeeper or even the gate to protect the sheep of their own flock.  There may be hired helpers but they are not committed to this flock and will run away when danger comes.

Lastly we have one flock and many sheepfolds (John 10: 14-ish - 16-ish).  Now I am well confused!  I can get my head around the other two images but this one is more tricky.  Are all the sheep to be gathered into one pen - and if so who will guard it while the shepherd is out gathering?  Or is the flock just too big to fit into one pen and so the shepherd has to take them all out and gather them all on the hillside?  I understand the metaphor as alluding to the Nations (Gentiles) but it gets more than a tad confusing to set alongside the others.

Was the writer of John just infinitely cleverer than I am or this actually a very tricky passage to decipher?  It feels like one step forward and two back at the moment as I try to build a coherent picture of a good shepherd.  Maybe Andy is right (see coment on last post) - this shepherd is naughty, not playing by the rules at all.  As for me, I'm just confused.