The last few weeks have proved quite challenging in various ways, some which perhaps might have been avoided had I acted or reacted differently, and some totally beyond my control.
My tendency to over-reflect, accompanied by a tendency to assume everyone else is correct and I'm not, is not always a healthy combination. Sometimes I beat myself up for reasons that are unjustified. Sometimes I internalise and personalise critique, mistaking it for criticism. Sometimes I fail to engage my own critical faculties in weighing things up and dismissing that which is unfounded or untrue.
And then it is a downward spiral, all my shadow side traits emerging unhelpfully and ultimately undermining me...
So I need to hear the voice of Jesus speaking to this inner storm of negativity and saying, "Stop it! Stop it, I called you as you are, I equipped you as I needed, that has not changed, and will not change. be still, and know that."
From what I can gather, we minister types fall into two main groups, those who think they are always right and those who think they are always wrong... there must be a middle ground somewhere, where healthy self-esteem and good growth can occur, but it seems quite rare.
Anyway, for the time being I am going to choose to focus on positives, to record and celebrate any tiny moment of affirmation or encouragement, any hint that just maybe God's Spirit is at work within me.
I post this not in search of lovely replies from my 'fans', but because I know that I am far from alone - in every church there are people, ministers orotherwise, who need to be given permission to stop focussing on their limitations or shortcomings and instead to delight in the good bits, the pleasurable moments, the little sucesses. I'm going to try - will you?