This late report has been received from the General Synod of the Church of England following a rather startling discovery in the Dead See (sic) scrolls. Apparently a significant verse in the 13th. Chapter of Daniel has lain hitherto undiscovered. This states categorically that "The Cat sat on the Mat". The intense debate which has followed this discovery is summarised as follows:
LIBERAL theologians pointed out that such a passage did not, of course, mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, `cat` and `mat` had, in those days, meanings which differed significantly from those understood today. The text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.
This led to an immediate backlash from the EVANGELICALS. They maintained that the essential condition of faith was that the real, physical, living cat, being a domestic pet of the species Felis Domesticus, having a whiskered head and furry body, four legs and a tail, * (The Bishop of Sodor and Man lodged a formal objection to the inclusion of this appendage in the specification on the grounds of racial discrimination. Synod agreed to `take note` of the objection and to place it on the agenda for future debate) did physically place its whole body on a floor covering designed for that purpose, and is ON the floor, but not OF the floor. The expression "On the floor, but not OF the floor" will be explained in a leaflet. (SPCK 10p + postage)
Meanwhile the CATHOLIC wing are preparing to develop a "Festival of the Sedentation of The Blessed Cat". This will teach that the cat was white and majestically reclined on a mat of gold thread before its assumption to the Great Cat Basket in the sky. This is commemorated by the singing of MagnifiCAT, lighting of three candles and ringing a bell five times. This may cause schism with the Orthodox Church which contends that tradition requires a "Holy Cat's day", as it is colloquially known, to be marked by the lighting of six candles and ringing a bell four times. The difficulty would be partly resolved by application of the Cuckoo Land Declaration which recognises the validity of each.
The CHARISMATICS would welcome the chance which the text offers for a full experience of the feline presence. This will be shown by adopting the "Purr-Pose" which involves resting on all four limbs on the floor and miaowing in the full feline spirit. This will, naturally, only be possible after the singing for some 30 minutes of inspired songs such as "O Cat, O Cat, cat, come to our mat, mat, mat !" or "Feline, we enthrone you, we proclaim you as Cat !" or "When you scratch us we know you're there".
The HOUSE CHURCH elements are expected to agree a common doctrine after four pauses in a statement of multiple clauses.
After much deliberation, the HOUSE OF BISHOPS of the Church of England has issued a statement subsequent to the report of the Cheshire Committee, which met recently at Furzebrook in Dorset under the chairmanship of the Bishop of Felixtowe. This is entitled "The Doctrine of Feline Sedentation" (Mowbray £24.99). It explains that, traditionally, the text describes a domestic feline quadruped subjacent to an unattached covering of a fundamental surface. For determining its salvific and eschatological significations, "we have followed the heuristic analytical principles adopted in dealing with the Canine Fenestration Question (How much is that doggie in the window?) and the Affirmative Musaceous Paradox (Yes, we have no bananas)" ----- and so on for 210 pages,
The GENERAL SYNOD, after lengthy debate, eventually passed, by a two-thirds majority, a motion proposed by the Ven. Arthur Choosey, Archdeacon of Catford, which commends this report as helpful resource material enabling clergy to explain to the man in the pew the difficult doctrinal problems presented by the hitherto unknown text, "The Cat sat on the Mat". Among some notable dissentients to the motion were the Team Rector of the Isle of Dogs and the Vicar of Mousehole, Cornwall, both of whom stated that the dissemination of such doctrine would make their position untenable - but for differing reasons.
© The Estate of William John Green, 2004
