Well, today's readings are a slightly odd mixture:

Psalm 19
Exodus 19:9b-15
Acts 7:30-40

I know it's rather irreverent, but the Exodus reading left me bemused and feeling more than a little mischievous.

The LORD said to Moses, "I will come to you in a thick cloud, so that the people will hear me speaking with you and will believe you from now on." Moses told the LORD what the people had answered, and the LORD said to him, "Go to the people and tell them to spend today and tomorrow purifying themselves for worship. They must wash their clothes and be ready the day after tomorrow. On that day I will come down on Mount Sinai, where all the people can see me.  Mark a boundary around the mountain that the people must not cross, and tell them not to go up the mountain or even get near it. If any of you set foot on it, you are to be put to death; you must either be stoned or shot with arrows, without anyone touching you. This applies to both people and animals; they must be put to death. But when the trumpet is blown, then the people are to go up to the mountain."  Then Moses came down the mountain and told the people to get ready for worship. So they washed their clothes, and Moses told them, "Be ready by the day after tomorrow and don't have sexual intercourse in the meantime."

Exodus 19: 9b-15 GNB

It is the closing sentence that struck me: "Be ready by the day after tomorrow and don't have sexual intercourse in the meantime."

The NRSV renders it thus:  ‘Prepare for the third day; do not go near a woman.’

The KJV thus: 'Be ready against the third day: come not at your wives.'

The NIV thus:'Prepare yourselves for the third day. Abstain from sexual relations.'

It appealed to my sense of mischief, because I could envisage some old-style hell-fire preacher choosing this as his text.  In the GNB choice of words, no sex in 'the meantime' carries a whole heap of potential misappropriation following on from my recent sermon series on 'active waiting' as 'life in the meantime'.  As you can, those readers who've known me longest, I am still sat firmly on the 'silly settee'

But actually, when I be a teeny bit more serious, I am left with the fact that actually, there was no way Moses or anyone else could prove categorically that anyone other than themselves had obeyed this command, short of some extremely dodgy behaviour.  There had to be some kind of trust exercises, some kind of acceptance that we have no right to be privy to every part of people's lives, no right to ask certain questions of them.  We have to leave it between them and God.

All of which leads me into the verse or two from the psalm which struck me as I read them this morning:

But who can detect their errors?
Clear me from hidden faults.

Psalm 19:12

This is not talking about wilful disobedience to some (arbitrary) set of rules, it is about self-awareness and its limits.  This is not about me concealing my misdeeds from other people, but about being unaware of my shortcomings.  It reminds me that, no matter how obedient I am to the rules I have chosen to live by, I am not thereby made perfect or free from sin.  It reminds me that the transforming work of Christ in me is, temporally, if not theologically, incomplete.  It reminds me that I am, at best, 'work in progress'.

God of Sinai

Unapproachable

Untouchable

Issuing frightening words

Who can ever measure up?

Who can be truly clean?

Who can be properly free of the taint of sin?

If I confess the sins I know of,

The things I have done or failed to do

The attitudes I have cultivated or failed to cultivate,

I still fall short

Because my self knowledge in partial

I may think to lowly or too highly of myself

I may be unaware (blissfully?) of the way others see me

I may be ignorant of the consequences of this word or that action

My hidden faults

The 'unknown unknowns' of my imperfection

How can I confess what I do not know?

How can I be forgiven for what I cannot name?

Yet you forgive

You make me shiny and new

You give me umptieth chances

Not merely to do right and eschew wrong

Not simply to be good and avoid evil

But to grow

To grow -

In knowledge of who I am

In Christ

And what I called to be

With Christ

As your Spirit breathes life,

Abundant life,

Fulfilled and fulfilling life

Into my lungs.

A little later posting today, have been out enjoying some ministerial privilege as a PAM mentor, meeting with the PAM entrusted to my, woefuilly inadequate, care.

Today's readings:

Psalm 19
Exodus 19:1-9a
1 Peter 2:4-10

Each of these is, I think, quite well known, and each is rich in metaphor and symbol - the comparison of the sun with an athlete, God with a mother eagle, believers with the stone blocks from which a building is constructed.  Each of them combines near poetry with some stern statements, each of them combine wonder with awe.

The 1 Peter is where I want to go today, partly because our Thursday afternoon Bible study group has spent some time reflecting on this letter, and partly because there are verses in it that confuse me...

Come to the Lord, the living stone rejected by people as worthless but chosen by God as valuable.
Come as living stones, and let yourselves be used in building the spiritual temple, where you will serve as holy priests to offer spiritual and acceptable sacrifices to God through Jesus Christ.
For the scripture says, "I chose a valuable stone, which I am placing as the cornerstone in Zion; and whoever believes in him will never be disappointed."  This stone is of great value for you that believe; but for those who do not believe: "The stone which the builders rejected as worthless turned out to be the most important of all."  And another scripture says, "This is the stone that will make people stumble, the rock that will make them fall." They stumbled because they did not believe in the word; such was God's will for them.  But you are the chosen race, the King's priests, the holy nation, God's own people, chosen to proclaim the wonderful acts of God, who called you out of darkness into his own marvelous light.  At one time you were not God's people, but now you are his people; at one time you did not know God's mercy, but now you have received his mercy.

1 Peter 2: 4 - 10 GNB

The bit that puzzles me, and I have never heard anyone attempt to explain is this "This is the stone that will make people stumble, the rock that will make them fall."  I find this more than a tad perplexing... the idea that Jesus Christ is a stumbling block, a means of tripping people up as they endeavour to draw nearer to God.  I find it perplexing because I can only hear it in conjunction with Jesus stern words in Matthew 18 regarding people who put stumbling blocks in the path of the 'little ones'

‘If any of you put a stumbling-block before one of these little ones who believe in me, it would be better for you if a great millstone were fastened around your neck and you were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of stumbling-blocks! Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling-block comes!

Matthew 18:5 - 7 NRSV

There seems to me no easy way of holding these two together, without some serious mental and theological gymnastics... either being a stumbling block to another is a bad thing or it's not; either God predestined some people to unbelief, and that's somehow OK, or God did not.  I cannot make much sense of this.  Maybe some more spiritual or more theologically equipped reader can tell me how it all hangs together within the context of a belief in a God who is love (e.g. 1 John 4), who does not want any to be lost (2 Peter 3:9), and who entered our world with the purpose not of condemnation but salvation of the whole cosmos (John 3:16-17).

Twice in the past I have posted the hymn/poem stumbling blocks and stepping stones, so I won't repeat it  (but you can find it here and here).  I like the idea of transforming the things that make us stumble into stepping stones to new understanding, new believing, new ways of living and being. 

Might it just be, that when we feel that Jesus trips us up, it is because we have failed to notice the rut in the road or the tree trunk lying across it or the precipice for which we are headed?  I don't know.  I still don't 'get' the idea of Jesus causing people to stumble, of wilfully tripping them up.

Puzzled, God, I'm puzzled:

I don't understand these words

Canonised as inspired by you.

I don't understand how or why

Jesus becomes a stumbling block

An obstacle to understanding.

I don't mind being puzzled,

Don't mind being pulled up short and made to think

I don't mind the fact that it is beyond my intellect

To understand what it is that you are saying

I don't mind that it's all beyond me

But

I can't see how

You

Who are love

Whose purpose in incarnation

Was to redeem and restore

All things

Might trip us up in our quest for you

Might it be

That we are walking backwards,

Looking the wrong way,

And collide with you,

Lose our balance

And fall over?

Might it be

That once we have stumbled

You reach down

Take our muddy hand

Lift us up

Clean our grazed knees

Kiss away the tears from our eyes

Then,

Gently, if firmly,

Redirect our feet in your path?

I'd like to think so, God,

To hope so

To be assured that all is not lost

Nor can be lost

Lead me on,

Lead us on,

Hobbling and limping

Halt and lame

(as a former generation would express it)

Wounded walkers

Seeking to step forward

A day at a time

With you.

Amen.

One of my blogging-buddies, who I have never met in life, but who demonstrates my hunch that there are far more genuine blogs than not, is known online as Perpetua.  Another pseudonymous, but genuine blogger, Archdruid Eileen  observes that today is the festival of SS Perpetua and Felicity.  So a very happy saint's day to P, and thanks to both of you for being the demonstration that the blog world, if sometimes necessarily pseudonymous, is more good than bad, true than false, authentic than fake.

Today we are asked to read:

Psalm 105:1-11, 37-45
Jeremiah 30:12-22
John 12:36-43

A right mix of stuff!  The psalm, in its third and final appearance; the scary stuff from Jeremiah; and the usual riddles of the Johannine Jesus.

Just to be awkward, I want to use the John reading and set it alongside the gospel passage used in today's PAYG Matthew 20: 20 - 28

Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came to him with her sons, and kneeling before him, she asked a favor of him.  And he said to her, "What do you want?" She said to him, "Declare that these two sons of mine will sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your kingdom."
But Jesus answered, "You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am about to drink?" They said to him, "We are able."
He said to them, "You will indeed drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left, this is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father."
When the ten heard it, they were angry with the two brothers.
But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them.
It will not be so among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be your slave; just as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many."

Matt 20: 20 - 28 NRSV

While you have the light, believe in the light, so that you may become children of light." After Jesus had said this, he departed and hid from them.  Although he had performed so many signs in their presence, they did not believe in him.  This was to fulfill the word spoken by the prophet Isaiah: "Lord, who has believed our message, and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?"
And so they could not believe, because Isaiah also said, "He has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, so that they might not look with their eyes, and understand with their heart and turn - and I would heal them." Isaiah said this because he saw his glory and spoke about him.
Nevertheless many, even of the authorities, believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they did not confess it, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved human glory more than the glory that comes from God.

John 12:36 - 43 NRSV

In Matthew, we have a mother seeking status and recognition for her sons, who seem quite content to go along with her suggestion.  In John we religious authorities keeping quiet about their faith in order to preserve their social standing.  The common theme seems to be self-aggrandisement, whether in the eyes of human peers or in the Kingdom of God.  I find both of these challenging. 

I like to be liked.  I don't just like it, I want it.  To be accepted.  To be valued.  To be appreciated.  Sometimes that may lead to me being silent when I should speak, inactive when I should act.  Sometimes it means that I get pulled this way and that by competing, but equally compelling, arguments or loyalties.  In the very earthy, human dimension, the approval of people probably does, all too often, exercise more of a pull than is helpful or healthy.

The desire of the brothers to sit alongside Jesus, to be his right-hand man and his left-hand man, hints at a desire to play God, to exercise God's authority over others.  And that challenges me to.  I cringe when I hear people speak too boldly that 'God says X' or, worse, 'we shall sit on thrones in judgement over the earth' and so on.  But do I, sometimes, try to play God?  I like to think not, and it offends my Baptist credentials, but as a minister, what authority do people invest in me or, in my opinion, foist onto me?  And how, then do I exercise that?

Lord God

I read these uncomfortable words

And I squirm

All too conscious of the times that the words I write

Are tickling to the ear

At least for some

The ones whose approval I value

Or yearn for

Lord God,

I read these uncomfortable words

And I cringe

All too conscious of the times that the words I speak

Are self-righteous

Or judgemental

Of the ones who mean little to me

Lord God,

I read these uncomfortable words

Squirming

Cringing

Recognising within myself

The vanity of self-seeking

The aspiration to status over truth

Acclamation over authenticity

Security over servitude

Lord God

Can I take the cup you offer?

Can I surrender to your Lordship

No matter what cost?

Trembling

Fearful

(and still wanting someone to like my words)

I repeat again

My whispered

Amen

Long term readers of this blog will remember that for a while the links on my sidebar included a small number of blogs being written by women who were living with or through breast cancer.  Last autumn I removed the links after one of the blogs, pseudonymously written by "Annie", disappeared without warning.  At the time I was very concerned by this and contacted another blogger who I knew had met her in 'real life' to see what was what.  Here I postulated stuff around death and the narrowing of the world of a dying person.

Long story short, at the end of October the other blogger contacted me and we shared a longish phone conversation.  It transpired that, whilst very clearly ill, Annie did not have, and never had had, breast cancer; the whole account was fabricated.  I agreed to maintain confidentiality, but have, if asked by people who had followed the blog, told them what I know.  At the same time, I have been processing my own sense of guilt, stupidity and unintended complicity in what happened.  Yesterday the other blogger chose to break silence, something she will not have done lightly, and tells the story here.

One real sadness, for me, is that "Annie" was clearly a gifted writer, and her piece written in response to the summer 2011 riots was the best I read.  She had an ability to find genuinely inspiring and encouraging quotes.  If only she had been able to do this from a more healthy place.

I really, really hope that "Annie" is now getting the support and help she needs to move on with her life.  Like the other bloggers who have commented, I am glad that she does not have cancer.  I also continue to pray for her, as she lives with the impact this has had on her life.

Unusually, I am closing comments on this post.  Not because I don't care what people think, I do, but because any reader will, like other bloggers and me, need time to process the shock, incredulity and bewilderment this news brings.

I have kept silence for about four months; now it is, I believe, time to speak.  I am now far more wary about linking blogs of people I know only through cyber space.  I hope that I have not lost my openness to others and my natural leaning to believe people are trustworthy until demonstrated otherwise.