Today we are asked to read:

Psalm 105:1-11, 37-45
Jeremiah 30:12-22
John 12:36-43

A right mix of stuff!  The psalm, in its third and final appearance; the scary stuff from Jeremiah; and the usual riddles of the Johannine Jesus.

Just to be awkward, I want to use the John reading and set it alongside the gospel passage used in today's PAYG Matthew 20: 20 - 28

Then the mother of the sons of Zebedee came to him with her sons, and kneeling before him, she asked a favor of him.  And he said to her, "What do you want?" She said to him, "Declare that these two sons of mine will sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your kingdom."
But Jesus answered, "You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I am about to drink?" They said to him, "We are able."
He said to them, "You will indeed drink my cup, but to sit at my right hand and at my left, this is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared by my Father."
When the ten heard it, they were angry with the two brothers.
But Jesus called them to him and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them.
It will not be so among you; but whoever wishes to be great among you must be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you must be your slave; just as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many."

Matt 20: 20 - 28 NRSV

While you have the light, believe in the light, so that you may become children of light." After Jesus had said this, he departed and hid from them.  Although he had performed so many signs in their presence, they did not believe in him.  This was to fulfill the word spoken by the prophet Isaiah: "Lord, who has believed our message, and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?"
And so they could not believe, because Isaiah also said, "He has blinded their eyes and hardened their heart, so that they might not look with their eyes, and understand with their heart and turn - and I would heal them." Isaiah said this because he saw his glory and spoke about him.
Nevertheless many, even of the authorities, believed in him. But because of the Pharisees they did not confess it, for fear that they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved human glory more than the glory that comes from God.

John 12:36 - 43 NRSV

In Matthew, we have a mother seeking status and recognition for her sons, who seem quite content to go along with her suggestion.  In John we religious authorities keeping quiet about their faith in order to preserve their social standing.  The common theme seems to be self-aggrandisement, whether in the eyes of human peers or in the Kingdom of God.  I find both of these challenging. 

I like to be liked.  I don't just like it, I want it.  To be accepted.  To be valued.  To be appreciated.  Sometimes that may lead to me being silent when I should speak, inactive when I should act.  Sometimes it means that I get pulled this way and that by competing, but equally compelling, arguments or loyalties.  In the very earthy, human dimension, the approval of people probably does, all too often, exercise more of a pull than is helpful or healthy.

The desire of the brothers to sit alongside Jesus, to be his right-hand man and his left-hand man, hints at a desire to play God, to exercise God's authority over others.  And that challenges me to.  I cringe when I hear people speak too boldly that 'God says X' or, worse, 'we shall sit on thrones in judgement over the earth' and so on.  But do I, sometimes, try to play God?  I like to think not, and it offends my Baptist credentials, but as a minister, what authority do people invest in me or, in my opinion, foist onto me?  And how, then do I exercise that?

Lord God

I read these uncomfortable words

And I squirm

All too conscious of the times that the words I write

Are tickling to the ear

At least for some

The ones whose approval I value

Or yearn for

Lord God,

I read these uncomfortable words

And I cringe

All too conscious of the times that the words I speak

Are self-righteous

Or judgemental

Of the ones who mean little to me

Lord God,

I read these uncomfortable words

Squirming

Cringing

Recognising within myself

The vanity of self-seeking

The aspiration to status over truth

Acclamation over authenticity

Security over servitude

Lord God

Can I take the cup you offer?

Can I surrender to your Lordship

No matter what cost?

Trembling

Fearful

(and still wanting someone to like my words)

I repeat again

My whispered

Amen

Long term readers of this blog will remember that for a while the links on my sidebar included a small number of blogs being written by women who were living with or through breast cancer.  Last autumn I removed the links after one of the blogs, pseudonymously written by "Annie", disappeared without warning.  At the time I was very concerned by this and contacted another blogger who I knew had met her in 'real life' to see what was what.  Here I postulated stuff around death and the narrowing of the world of a dying person.

Long story short, at the end of October the other blogger contacted me and we shared a longish phone conversation.  It transpired that, whilst very clearly ill, Annie did not have, and never had had, breast cancer; the whole account was fabricated.  I agreed to maintain confidentiality, but have, if asked by people who had followed the blog, told them what I know.  At the same time, I have been processing my own sense of guilt, stupidity and unintended complicity in what happened.  Yesterday the other blogger chose to break silence, something she will not have done lightly, and tells the story here.

One real sadness, for me, is that "Annie" was clearly a gifted writer, and her piece written in response to the summer 2011 riots was the best I read.  She had an ability to find genuinely inspiring and encouraging quotes.  If only she had been able to do this from a more healthy place.

I really, really hope that "Annie" is now getting the support and help she needs to move on with her life.  Like the other bloggers who have commented, I am glad that she does not have cancer.  I also continue to pray for her, as she lives with the impact this has had on her life.

Unusually, I am closing comments on this post.  Not because I don't care what people think, I do, but because any reader will, like other bloggers and me, need time to process the shock, incredulity and bewilderment this news brings.

I have kept silence for about four months; now it is, I believe, time to speak.  I am now far more wary about linking blogs of people I know only through cyber space.  I hope that I have not lost my openness to others and my natural leaning to believe people are trustworthy until demonstrated otherwise.

So, already we are a third of the way through Lent; it is amazing how much more quickly it passes when I am actively involved in marking its passage!

Today's readings:

Psalm 105:1-11, 37-45
Genesis 22:1-19
Hebrews 11:1-3, 13-19

Today we conclude our time with the Abraham story, with the bizarre account of the near human sacrifice of Isaac, and its echoes in the catalogue of faith that is Hebrews 11.

The Genesis is rather long, so I won't reproduce it here.  I have heard countless sermons on it, and not a few Bible studies, some paralleling it with the grim tale of Jephthah and his daughter, others marvelling at God's provision of the unfortunate ram, who probably spent its last moments wishing it had not investigating the thicket!

It is Hebrews 11:13 that really stands out for me:

It was in faith that all these persons died. They did not receive the things God had promised, but from a long way off they saw them and welcomed them, and admitted openly that they were foreigners and refugees on earth.  (Heb 11:13 GNB)

If you drive along the M1 in the English Midlands, you will see signs that say National Forest, but there is scant evidence of woodland, let alone the majestic trees of a forest.  For me, the National Forest is a parable of Hebrews 11:13a.  There is a vision to re-forest this area of England, linking up existing woodland with new planting.  When I moved to Leicestershire, most of the new trees were tiny, little saplings, vulnerable and wrapped in the tubing that seems to grow out of the ground along so many major roads.   It will be many decades before the vision is fulfilled, and many if not most of those who dreamed will have died without seeing it.  Yet they believe.  Yet they dream.  Yet they act.

In our lifetime we may not see everything we hope for come to pass, yet we glimpse, if only in our imaginations, what they may be.  This, in some sense, runs counter the popular culture of 'bucket lists' of 'ten things I must do before I die' and instead allows us to accept that not everything will happen in our lifetime, we will not fulfil all our hopes and dreams.  It feels, for me anyway, somewhat liberating.  None of us knows how long we will live, though some may have a better idea than others, but we can all choose how to live.  Frenetically trying to pack it all into one lifetime, or accepting that we may never see the full grown tree or sit under its shade, but that's OK.  For me, the challenge is to live like the latter, without losing sight of what can be done here and now.

God of promise

Too easily we slip into the selfish expectation

That all promsies will find fulfilment

In our life time

Too easily we plant artificial flowers and trees

Creating an illusion of a garden

In an instant

Give us instead the capacity to dream of a real forest

Mighty trees offering shelter to squirrels, birds and bugs

Tiny flowers, ferns and fungi, nuts and berries

One day

When our bodies have returned to dust

Our molecules recycled once more

And our lives returned to you

Grant us faith beyond perceiving

Grant us courage to live in the present moment

And to dream beyond our own demise

God of the impossible

Hear our prayer.

Today's three readings:

Psalm 105:1-11, 37-45
Genesis 21:1-7
Hebrews 1:8-12

The Psalm begins with the Abraham story and tracks through to the end of the Exodus story, albeit mighty quickly.  The lectionary writers omit the middle chunk, so we get a very upbeat take on the story.  It felt to me a bit like the experience of so many Christians who celebrate Palm Sunday then go away and come back for Easter Sunday having missed the drama and pain of Holy Week.  So, I'm not focusing on that reading today.

The Hebrews passage is short and centred on the exaltation of the Son of Man.  Again, it's very upbeat.  It's a lovely passage but to ponder it would be to loose the thread of our journey with Abraham and Sarah.

Today we have this:

The LORD dealt with Sarah as he had said, and the LORD did for Sarah as he had promised.
Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the time of which God had spoken to him.  Abraham gave the name Isaac to his son whom Sarah bore him.   And Abraham circumcised his son Isaac when he was eight days old, as God had commanded him.  Abraham was a hundred years old when his son Isaac was born to him.  Now Sarah said, "God has brought laughter for me; everyone who hears will laugh with me."  And she said, "Who would ever have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children?  Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."

Genesis 21: 1- 7 NRSV

I could, I suppose, major on the theme of laughter that runs through this story... Abram's guffaws when God tells him he will have a son, Sarah's giggles when the visitors are overheard saying the same.  Sarah's embarrassment at having been heard chuckling, and then the irony of giving birth to 'laughing boy', who will bring hearty laughter for Sarah and all her neighbours.  I could, but it's an avenue I've wandered before, many times, and I want to epxlore a little path I only spotted today...

"The LORD dealt with Sarah as he had said, the LORD did for Sarah as he had promised."

Oo-er.

The LORD dealt with Sarah.  What does that mean?  To be honest, I'm not sure.  There is nothing in the previous chapters to suggest she has done anything that needs to be dealt with.  Maybe it is necessary to see what other translations have to say:

GNB          The Lord blessed Sarah...

CEV          The Lord was good to Sarah...

KJV           The Lord visited Sarah...

NIV           The Lord was gracious to Sarah

Message    God visited Sarah

Clearly a good deal of interpetive licence here!  From what amounts to gynaecological intervention via kindness to speical favour.  Hmm.

The LORD did for Sarah as he had promised.  This feels a little softer, kinder.  Rather being 'done to' Sarah has something 'done for' her.  Her childlessness is taken away, her sense of failure, of being incomplete is removed.

But there does seem to be a link... the 'doing to' achieves the 'doing for'.  I think maybe this has something to say to us.  It is no good asking God to do things for us if we are not willing to let God do things with or even to us.  God is not a benevolent genie, we know that, but it seems too that for God to act, we have to be up for God's transformative work within us.  We probably think we are, but I suspect we aren't!  Yesterday's "taking up of crosses" and the concept of kenosis seem to connect here.

Allowing God to 'deal with me', to 'do unto me', to 'visit' me... to take control from me... that's something I constantly need to revisit.  And then to recall that with the 'dealing' comes the 'promise'

LORD, you dealt with Sarah

At least, according to the NRSV,

You intervened somehow

You changed something

You made a difference

But, LORD, you made Sarah -

You knew she was barren

You knew she had longed for a child for decades

You knew the stigma she endured

So, LORD, what changed your mind?

What made you visit her,

Be good and gracious to her,

What made you bless her?

LORD, you made me

You know exactly who and what I am

Dare I ask you to deal with me

To fulfil your promises in me, through me?

Do I laugh at the preposterous nature of what you suggest?

Do I try to deny the sense of ridiculous I feel?

Visit me afresh with a sense of wonder

A clear conviction of your call

Renewed confidence in the outworking

Of your work in me

Do with me, do to me, what is needful to fulfil your promise for me...

Slowly, slowly, I feel my confidence, and possibly competence, returning.  This Sunday, for the second time (last week being the first) I felt secure enough to depart from my script when I was preaching.  Except for some parts of all age worship, I always have a full script for everything.  Actually, that's not true, I usually extemporise the offertory prayer and the final blessing.  But the point is, last Sunday and this Sunday I went 'off script' in my sermon without either losing my place, talking any more twaddle than usual or completely drying up.  After the better part of a year in which I have read every word, it is pure joy to feel sufficiently confident to speak more freely.

Perhaps it is because I'm talking doctrine, and aspects of doctrine for which I did a LOT and I mean a LOT of undergraduate stuff.  Somewhere deep in my memory are thirty hours on the doctrine of God and another thirty on that of Jesus Christ (albeit masked as Biblical studies).

The last two Sundays have been fun, some interesting conversations, and insights.  Another three to go and then it's Palm Sunday and Holy Week... tempus fugits apace.