Way back when (almost five years ago) after what seemed yet another kick in the teeth during the ministerial settlement process a friend of mine said "make like the Psalmists and shout at God."  So, today when I am feeling the weight of all that is happening in this little corner of the world, here is my Psalm of Anguish, posted not (I hope) from vanity or self pity but because (a) it helps me (catharsis) and (b) I suspect there are others who feel much the same sometimes...

A Psalm of Anguish

I don’t know what to do, O God,

I don’t know what to do!

In the night I wake with anxious thoughts

By day I drown under issues and events

How much more, O God?

How much more?

This little church, these folk you love

(You do love them, don’t you?)

So battered, so bemused,

So exhausted, deflated, berated…

Hold them in your arms

Shelter them beneath your wings.

How is it of you, O Lord,

To allow such pain, such anger?

How many feet will beat a path to my door

To weep, to shout, to seek answers?

“What kind of a God would do this?”

“Is there even a God?”

Each broken one for whom Christ died

Each wounded soul longing for embrace

And my only answer “I don’t know,

Yet still I believe, I trust”

Is that enough, O Lord?

Is that enough?

To bless and live

To curse and die

To tomorrow

Or to be bound with bitterness

In the now

Lord, I cannot understand,

It is all too much for me to comprehend.

Yet I will choose blessing:

Your servant will refuse discouragement and defeat.

I will follow you, wherever you lead –

Even a valley dark as death,

Even waters that flood over my head,

Even to a precipice where I stand and tremble.

God is my refuge and strength

An ever present help within the struggle,

Therefore I will defy fear

Though the ground give way under my feet.

The steadfast love of God never ceases,

God's mercies never end

They are renewed every morning

So great is God’s faithfulness.

I am no wiser, O Lord,

As to why,

But I choose to trust:

Choose to believe

Choose to hope

Choose to live.

Today has been very mixed - but ended with a really positive planning meeting for the Good Friday outreach event.

So here's the plan...

We have booked the Community Centre which comprises two fairly big halls and a lounge area.  In one hall we will have children's activities staffed by a team of about 8 mature women who do this every year and must not be crossed!  They are good workers and even managed to meet us half way on plans for the day, so I am relieved.  In the second hall we will have 8 installations to help people focus creatively on aspects of the Easter narrative - from help yourself communion, to video of crucifixion, to a powerpoint sequence, to a prayer wall, to anointing with scented oil...  In the lounge we will serve refreshments and then, towards the end of the morning, invite everyone to gather for a 15 minute mini-service with two songs, a reading a quick input and a prayer.

It was a really positive meeting, and most folk who came are excited about the possibiltiy of reaching folk who don't otherwise come to church.  There are a few grumbles that it's not a 'proper' service but rather a space to 'be.' However, as I pointed out this is a churches togther initiative, and betwwen all three traditions we have the sum total of one minister available - me.  So this is about as good as it's going to get - and it is good because there are around a dozen people willing to make it good.

This morning I am preparing material for GB Young Leaders training on Saturday - and this year I've landed faith issues as the Chaplain is on maternity 'leave'.  In the middle of one of the suggested activities - quite a good one - came the throw away line "explain the Gospel to the girls."  I guess the writer has in mind the ABC or Turn-Take-Trust-Thank models.  But it made me smile - if the gospel really could be explained in 2 minutes surely we'd all have done it by now...

Is there a theological distinction between 'separation' and 'divorce' such that the former does not (sic) 'dishonour Christ's church' but the latter does?  I don't think there is, I think this is western, secular, legal definitions being snapped up by sincere but struggling individuals to give themselves a get out clause when their theology and experience don't match up.

In the case of either of the above (because there is a practical/legal distinction even if not a theological one) how should the church respond - as discipline or pastoral concern?  My leaning is pastoral in aim but practically similar in outworking - viz that the person should be given 'time out' from any roles or responsibilities to work through what is occurring in their life, to re-evalaute and then, once the dust has settled to pick things up if that is judged the right way forward.

What does anyone else think?  I am treading a tightrope with my folk as this one affects our  congregation - just one more little storm for us to weather!

A person goes to see their minister to tell them they believe God is calling them to a church 2 miles away.  It is the church in the community where they live, and the minister is of the view that people should. where possible, worship and serve within their own community.  Trouble is, this person has a key role in the church's outreach work, reaching around 70 people a month, many of whom have no other church connection.  Not withstanding that God just may be calling someone else to fill this gap, the project now looks incredibly vulnerable and the already overstretched minister simply cannot plug this gap.  The upshot is that it is likely that this project may fold - and even though the minister is willing to be proved wrong, the implications have to be considered.

What does it say about God if this project, successful and well respected, having a positive impact on so many people's lives, has to close?  What is the impact on the commerical enterprises who now have this project written into their business plans?  What questions will be raised about the kind of God who would, seemingly, abandon this project in favour of something else, as yet unknown?

I am trying - and failing - to think of any Bible stories that speak of those who are left behind to pick up the pieces, trying to work out what might be an appropriate damage-limitation theology.  I am wondering how I will explain to people who do not understand the idea of Christian calling, never mind calling away from good, Kingdom work, why this person has moved on.  I am trying to work out what is the way forward for this initiative - and how the whole thing fits in the fragile, cliff-edge situation of my little congregation.

So, can anyone out there help me?  I need something to help me reflect on this in a theolgocial way - and apart from a few good ranting pslams, I'm a bit stuck.