So, now I have a draft of my conference paper and the tweaking has begun... words out, words in, sentences revised, deleted, added... it is no mean feat!  Even the abstract is a moving target - I sent a copy to someone earlier this morning and now it has changed slightly!

Today one of my longest established minsiter-theologian friends is going to give the first draft a once over.  That's quite scary.  I know she will be gentle and kind cos that's the kind of person she is, but I need some help to sharpen it up before it goes 'live' in NZ.  I've had a few offers of editorial reads - and I am not ignoring them, just want it to be a bit sharper first as it is probably the most personal thing I've ever written for public consumption (which of course exemplifies the entire thesis...).

Anyway, taking my courage in both hands, here is the current draft abstract:

As an ordained minister I have sat alongside many people with cancer – from someone hearing the news of her diagnosis to someone else whose journey with the disease had just been completed in his death.  In pastoral contexts, I have shared the bewilderment of families, refused to offer glib answers to tough questions, and modelled a response many tell me they have found helpful.  When I was diagnosed with cancer in August 2010 my response, undoubtedly shaped by my pastoral experience and practice, was that I wanted to be honest and open, free to name anger, fear, doubts or questions that arose along the way.  Whilst able in some measure to achieve this, again several people have told me they found my honesty and openness helpful, it rapidly became clear that "the minister is still the minister" and that the responsibility of caring for others affected my quest for authenticity.  In this paper I reflect on some of my own experiences in an endeavour to explore attributes of  'authenticity' for a religious professional living with cancer.

So I finally did it - I have a complete first draft of my conference paper.  It has been so much harder work than I expected and I'm still not entirely sure why, except that my brain is slow and concentration not what it used to be.  It is not the best thing I have ever written, it needs some serious editting and tidying up (not least as at 5000 words it is around 2000 too long for the public sessions) but I am proud of myself for managing it - this is the first 'from scratch' piece of work I've tried to write up since my cancer diagnosis and even if it is probably about 2:2 for quality, I'd give myself a first for effort!

Humbling to realise how spoiled I have been to have had such a good brain for so long, and to have had the opportunity to achieve three degrees...  Hope what I have written ends up beign of some use to someone.

This morning as I was getting ready to face the day, the song 'Perfect Day' emerged from my radio... a song I like and once, a very long time ago, used as the basis for a sermon (can't recall what I said even if I remember where and what the weather was like!!).  I don't think today has been perfect, but it has been very good, and, for me, happy.

The morning service went well.  I'd had lots and lots of fun preparing the sermon around John's account of the call of the first disciples (Andrew, No-name, Philip and Nathanel) and it seemed to go down pretty well.  It struck me, though I didn't actually include this in the sermon, that the paraclete idea seems to run through the gospel, not only as the Holy Spirit but in the presence of intermediaries who introduce people to Jesus.  We had some gorgeous music and a very silly children's song - what more could you wish for?!

A lovely lunch with some church folk and introduction to their new dog (who is so cute!).  Fruit crumble - what's not to like?!

Evening worship was led by the priest from the Roman Catholic chaplaincy who arrived along with loads of his congregation to swell our usual evening congregation of Church of Scotland and Baptist stalwarts as we began the Week of Prayer for Christain Unity.  It was a lovely evening characterised by a real desire of all three traditions to engage with each other.  By the time they last people left there was a real buzz and a desire to do it again, and soon.  Yes please!

Next Sunday morning I will be preaching at a not quite Brethren Assembly... very not quite given the number of women involved in worhsip leading, but that's their background... as a 'pulpit swap' for the end of WPCU.  This too excites me as I have missed this since moving here.

I kind of have a sense that the angels are quite cheery tonight!

Or more to the point, what would Jesus say:

To my friend just diagnosed with brain mets...

To the friend who has spent the week fighting (no other word for it) to get her father a hospice bed...

To the person with the end stage condition that advances slowly and cruelly...

To the person waiting for a place in a care home...

To the person with 'POM' disease unable to see positives...

To the people who spent two days searching for a missing child, now believed to have died...

To the family of said child, now being questioned...

To the people who are shocked or angered by this news...

To the people I hear about on the news...

To me, delighting in my own disease free status, wrestling with words to say in diverse situation to people with a range of worldviews...

What would Jesus say?

Maybe:

‘Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’

‘Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgement you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbour’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbour, “Let me take the speck out of your eye”, while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbour’s eye.'

'And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.’

We teach our children that 'Christ has no hands but our hands', likewise he has no mouth but our mouths...

May the words of my my mouth and the thoughts of my mind be as of Christ, inspired by love, characterised by grace, suffused in hope. Amen.

My apologies to anyone who is concerned that I haven't posted for a couple of days: the reality is that although I logged in a couple times, I had nothing worth saying so I quietly signed out again.

I read or heard somewhere recently that it takes three days to establish a habit and three weeks to break one.  I have no idea if that it true, but it is interesting that it is meant to be easier to start doing something than to stop.  I do wonder if context is needed, since I find it REALLY hard to establish some 'healthy' habits and no bother at all to establish less healthy ones!  Likewise it's easy to stop doing exercise or reading worthy books and difficult to abandon eating junk food or watching trashy TV.

Perhaps the difference is between 'habit' and 'habitus'.  If 'habit' is something we do regularly and perhaps unthinkingly, 'habitus' is far more conscious and involves practices consciously undertaken in line with our values and beliefs.  I think, if I am honest, blogging has become more 'habit' than 'habitus', something I do because I do it, rather than because I feel I have something to share.

I have been quietly reviewing aspects of my life, especially the more reflective, spiritual and 'professional', development parts, and am actively working to establish frameworks or structures that will nourish and nurture me as a perosn and as a minister.  So, I am exploring a couple of Baptist networks in England, one spiritual, one developmental, I am becoming a little more active in the life of both BUS and BUGB (without the two conflicting), I am training for a volunteer role with a national breast cancer charity and I am looking more critically at how I use my leisure time.  All of these help me to feel more energised, more alive and so help me serve better as a minister.  Maybe 'habitus' habits are those that give life rather than sap energy?

PAYG continues to be a daily friend, the first thing I do when I switch on my computer, and if I'm at home often shared by Holly:

After a much needed year off from the tyranny of Bible reading notes (of any hue) I am now using two 'popular' devotional readers, each of which manages to irritate me and each of which has nuggets of pure gold.  To this will be added some for of daily office, once I find the one that works for me.

And blogging?  Yes, that will still be part of my life.  And knowing me will still be pretty plethoric - after all any time I predict a quieter time, I write a dozen posts in short order.  I think I just want to be a bit more intentional about it, not habitually posting something for the sake of posting something.  Whether or not I will succeed only time will tell.

Thank you for continuing to read, and I hope whatever I write this year will interest and entertain you - this is never going to become a highly sophisticated or erudite blog!!