In a bit of a Theresa of Avila moment, I will say for the umpteenth time how much of a slog it has been to write my conference paper.  I think it is nearly there now - need to shed about 300 words from the 'to read' version and move some stuff into an appendix for the 'to publish' version but overall, it's not looking too bad now.  It has definitely given me a sense of resolution that acadmeic research is not going to feature on my horizon any time soon.

BUT...

Over the last couple of weeks I have begun to feel the benefit of the hard work as every now and then ideas pop into my mind as I walk to or from church.  This has echoes of the walks into Manchester city centre of my student days, when I used to map out essays on paper serviettes whilst supping my skinny fairtrade latte in the foodcourt of the Arndale Centre.

This in turn gives me new energy with which to reasearch and reflect ahead of writing my sermons, and which hopefully means what I deliver is more interesting and inspired.

With that wonderful thing called hindsight, perhaps I soldiered on for too long before taking my sabbatical and then was so eager to get the most from it that I undertook way too much - certainly, whilst I really enjoyed it, I did not find it as refreshing or invigorating as I had hoped.  Or perhaps it is just that now is the 'favourable time', that the rash decision to offer a conference paper and the huge demands it has made on me have worked together for good, giving me renewed confidence for the challenges that lie, as yet unseen, just around the corner? Time will tell.  Whatever the future brings, for me at least it has been well worth the effort.

This evening I pruned another 500 words from my conference paper and rewrote a section I was unhappy with.  I then derived a shorter version that can be read aloud in the time allowed, phew.  Lastly I selected some photos for the PowerPoint to accompany the presentation... if nothing else it will hopefully help to signpost the sections of the paper and keep the listeners amused!

Don't think I've 'worked' this late for a very long time!

This morning was the pulpit swap - and I had a great time.

With strong Brethren roots, the morning began with a 'breaking of bread' service.  What struck me was that, apart from the man who began the service and the man who led the pre-communion prayer, every other speaker was a woman... once they stopped wearing hats the women had found their voices!  it was 'very' brethren in style with a contemporary feel.

Family Worship was well attended and carefully prepared.  Never before has the person who introduced me 'cyber stalked' (her words) me sufficiently to give a full CV/biography!  The joys of LinkedIn etc!  My John 4 'woman at the well' sermon seemed to be well received and certainly people were very attentive.

It was lovely to share fully in WPCU after a few years of not doing so... a great morning.

After an ebjoyable and productive  two and a half hour meeting this afternoon I am quite tired - and still have evening worship to go.   Day off tomorrow - phew!

Day 1 of my volunteer training course (really excellent, loads of ideas to take back to church for future use) and I was chatting to one of the other participants before it started.  Spotting my English accent she asked me, in a clearly East Midlands accent, where I came from origninally.  I replied that I grew up in Northampton, which prompted a further enquiry as to whereabouts... It only turned out we'd lived in the same fairly small village (she was born the year we moved away) and her older sister had been in the same class as my brother at school!  What are the chances...?  A very small world indeed.

Not expecting it to lead to any reunions or rekindling of old friendships but pleasantly curious all the same.

Not a resolution to do (or not do) something; resolution as in completion.

As my work on my conference paper nears completion with the fine-tuning of sharpening sentences, tweaking words and pruning extraneous stuff, it is clear to me that, for now anyway, thoughts of further serious research must be abandoned.  My once quick brain and strong concentration are now slow and limited, I must choose more carefully how to use them.  I am not saying 'never' to more research or writing, not even 'never' to a higher research degree (though realisitcally that seems very unlikely) but I am saying that this state of affairs is 'okay'.

In the early days, it really frustrated me that my concentration was poor - and it was very poor!  Now I accept that I have to work harder to read 'real' theology and that it has to be smaller amounts.  I continue to delight in new discoveries, to thrill at finding corroboration for things I think or believe, to wince at some of the challenges.  I just have to concede that three-hour stretches with complex books are not poosible, and that that is okay.

At one stage, as I tranformed my half done doctorate into an MPhil, I reassured myself with the thought that in a year ot two I could try again.  Having sweated my way through a 5000 word non-academic conference paper, I know that that is not goping to happen any time soon.  That, too is okay.

Way back when, I seem to recall learning about stages or phases of grieving - I think attributes is a better term since not everyone experiences all of them, never mind in the 'right' order.  Right at the end, after the denial, anger and other reactions/emotions comes resolution.  Have I been latently grieving my lost intellect? I don't know.  Neither anger nor denial have been part of my experience. Frustration and disappointment, certainly, and I can't say even now that 'it doesn't matter' because it does.  Bit it is okay.  I have found my sense of resolution - if that is all (and it isn't/won't be) my conference paper achieves, then it has been worth every ounce of slog (if slog can be measured in ounces!)

resolution, completion: 'okay' is good enough.