Today is Ash Wednesday, so I could, quite reasonably, have waited until tomorrow to start my Lenten challenge of reading may way through Exodus and Numbers (total 76 chapters) but actually I was eager to get started, so I began today.

I am deliberately choosing to read using the online tool Oremus Bible Browser where you can choose to hide both verse numbers and section headings, restoring the text more or less to its original form (chapters, verses, and especially section headings, are a much, much later addition designed to make publication and referencing easier).  The advantage of this approach is that I won't be steered into someone else's mindset about where breaks in the narrative occur... though by choosing to accept chapter breaks to manage the chunks I read, that is, to a degree, unavoidable.

I'm sure most readers know the etymology of the names of the first five books of the Bible (the Pentateuch or Torah) but just in case anyone has forgotten, it's worth a quick reminder...

Genesis = beginnings or origins and echoes the opening words "In the beginning"

Exodus = road/way out or departure, expressing the focus of this book as the departure from Egypt.

Leviticus = the book of the Levites, and contains the priestly codes and laws of the emergent nation

Numbers = well, numbers!  It refers to the lists of data which open this book.  Why this one is in plain English and the others carry eahcoes of the Septuagine Greek I have no idea!  Apparently it's Hebrew name is be-Midbah which means 'In the wilderness' and is a far better name in my opinion!

Deuteronomy = second law, which explains why so much of it seems to repeat earlier material, albeit slightly differently.

Setting aside all the theories of Yawist, Elohist, Deuteronomist and Priestly traditions, all woven (and readily discernible) into these ancient texts, we  have some complex, confusing, sometimes contradictory material with which to engage as we ponder the stories of some very ordinary humans and their relationship with God. 

I am hoping that my 'way out' Lenten reading will give me things to ponder and maybe my thoughts will spark your own.

So, welcome to this forty day (or thereabouts) meander through part of the Old Testament!

Once upon a time, Shrove Tuesday, or Mardi Gras, was a day on which people ate up all the perishable, rich food in their larders before the beginning of the penitential season of Lent.

How times have changed! Nowadays if you want to, your can buy in ready made pancakes/crepes with all manner of lucious fillings, or you can by batter mixes in packets (just add egg and milk - a dear way to buy flour!) or pots where you add water and shake.

Yesterday soneome treated me to home made pancakes for tea - with ice-cream, banana and butterscotch sauce... they were very, very yummy.  Today I used up the last of the batter to make two more pancakes, which I ate with banana and maple syrup... and tasty they were too.

It's a funny day, liturgically, as for most of us its spiritual origins are long lost.  Instead of clearing our fridges and cupboards of luxuries, we buy in extra ingredients.  Instead of penitence, we party. 

Perhaps though, as we hover on the brink between 'ordinary time' (however brief it may be in any given year) and 'Lent' it is good to pause, if only briefly, to decide how the next six weeks will be spent.

This year, my plan is to read through Exodus (40 chapters) and Numbers (36 chapters) and to reflect, briefly each day on what I have (re-)discovered.  Two chapters a day, with time off on Sundays, is not a huge ask.  And I am excited to see what it will bring to me, so much so that I've actually grown a little impatient the last few days... So tomorrow the journey will begin!

For now, though, Shrove Tuesday is a great excuse for a little self-indulgence!

My practice of listening to the service from the week before continues to bless my Sunday mornings - with the luxury of sitting in a comfy chair with a cup of tea, and having my slippers on my feet!

The call of Jeremiah and the 1 Corinthians 13 'Hymn to Love' must be two of the passages that have cropped in my life more often than almost any others.

I recall during the seond year I was at Vicar School being set an essay along the lines of "is there a model for ministry in the book of Jeremiah".  I felt the mark I was given and the comment that "it didn't need to be a model for ordained ministry" were both a little unfair.  The latter was certainly true, and I can't help but feel that my decision to explore it as 'ordained ministry' ought to have earned me marks for contextualisation, it was after all a 'contextual theology' degree...  Anyway, what struck me then, and remains the case now in my own experience umpteen years later, is that the clear, unambiguous sense of God's call, the divine "it's you" whether heard or felt or discerned by others, is crucial in surviving the reality of ministerial life in all its complexity.  Last Sunday's preacher noted how twenty chapters into the story Jeremiah is demoralised, depressed and angry (I remember our OT tutor telling us to read Jeremiah in one sitting, front to back - I gave up at about chapter 22 as it was so depressing a read!)... Life and ministry don't always turn out as we expect them to, and we need that unmistakeable marker to which we can return at such times.  Mostly I love what I do, but it has its moments!!

The Hymn to Love in 1 Corinthians is, I once asserted in a sermon after I'd actually done a bit of Greek checking out, is not to show the readers "a yet more excellent way" but a response to people who are "still craving greater gifts".  Although last Sunday's preacher didn't allude to the link verse (no reason why he should) he expressed brilliantly exactly what I believe Paul was responding to - people who were seeking bragging rights on which flamboyant, attention-grabbing spiritual gift they had.  Childish behaviour that was unbecoming among the people of God. "Stop trying to out do each other as to who has the best gift... what really matters is love."

I have preached on, reflected on, and meditated with 1 Corinthians 13, I have employed it in weddings and funerals, normal sermons and Bible studies... it is an over-worked passage, yet one which always, always has new insghts to offer up.  Right at the end comes a reminder of the temporality of spiritual gifts, the partiality and imperfection of our understanding and experience... now we see, understand and know in part, then (at some future date, at the eschaton, in eternity...) we will know fully, even as we are fully known.

So here was the new nugget to ponder, two passages set alongside one another each of which asserts that we are fully known by God.  According to Jeremiah, since, or even before, conception... according to Corinthians as a simple statement of fact.  The preacher last Sunday pointed out that because we are fully known to God, we don't have to try to please God by what we achieve, rather God, knowing who we are, invites us to join in expressing our own unique gifts (or that's how I heard/interpeted it anyway).  This doesn't mean we can sit back and do nothing, but it does mean we don't need to fret when things don't work out as we'd hoped they might.  As something of a perfectionist, it did me good to be reminded of that.

But it is the 'fully known' bit that touched my innermost being...

Fully Known...

From the moment that sperm penetrated that egg and it successfully implanted in the womb of my mother...

On the cold winter's day when premature birth and cord strangling the infant threatened life...

Through the rough and tumble, tears and smiles of early chidhood...

In the love of learning and the fear of failing, the shyness, the quietness and the solitude of school days...

In the choice of course and university, the thriving and freeing, discovering and delighting...

In the square-peg in a round hole job, and the finding-my-niche career that brought fulfilment...

In the Sunday School teaching, piano playing, Girls' Brigade leading...

In the sewing and knitting, hiking, reading, cat-cuddling, cake-baking, car-maintaining...

In the leaving it all behind to follow God's call to ordination...

In the serving with and of, in preaching, missioning, pastoring, teaching, marrying, burying...

In the diagnosis of cancer, its treatment, its long term effects, the residual uncertainty and the love of life's richness...

In making sense and finding meaning, in reflecting and writing...

In the learning and changing, the trusting and remaining, the douting and believing...

In England and Scotland, in New Zealand, Finland, Malta and Madeira...

In the doing and being, the activity and stillness...

In all that has been, and in all that is still to be...

In all of this, I am fully known

In all of this, I know only in part

But then -

Whenever, whatever 'then' is -

I will know

Until then -

Now, here, wherever, whatever life brings

Love

Love for God

Love for neighbour

Love for self

Faith, hope and love - three inconquerables

And the one that matters most

The one that God is

Is love.

Yesterday these absolutely stunning flowers arrived by courier, a get well gift from an overseas Gatherer.  I have never seen more beautiful flowers in my life, and their purple and blue and turquoise colouring could not be more perfect for me.

Over the last three weeks lots of funny and beautiful and thoughtful cards have landed on my doormat, mainly from Gatherers and others from friends in Wales, England and even from overseas.

The postman has delivered many lovely surprise gifts from various of my "cancer gangs"... my chemo buddies, my local network.

And every day someone pops in to cook my tea (bending and stretching still verboten for another week, along with lifting anything over 1kg!) and check if I need any housework or shopping done.

It is hard to think that there could be anyone more spoiled on this planet right now.

Very humbling, and very beautiful.  I think opening the flowers and thinking 'wow' just summarised all I feel.  Ffor all the bad news, sad news and challenges that life brings, it is beautiful and, in the words of God, "very good".  Indeed, as I've been known to say when preaching on Genesis 1, God looked at all that had been created and went, "Wow!"

One of the things about being a rule-follower, a girly-swat and apparently a good patient, is that thus far, my recovery from surgery is progressing really well.  My wound is healing beautifully, I have no pain to speak of (just an odd niggle if I twist or move a bit too quickly) and although I get tired very quickly in the evenings, my energy levels are improving day by day.

According to what I refer to as the "How to Get Better" leaflet, I am to take a daily walk, rain or shine, and aim to increase the time/distance steadily over a period of four to six weeks.  So, I began the first day I was home with doing five laps of my kitchen table (roughly 40m, or so I calculated), soon progressing to 10, 15 and then 30 laps.  Once I'd got that far, it was time to venture outdoors for a ten minute stroll, accompanied by a friend, just to be on the safe side.  A couple more days and I was doing that little circuit alone and starting to add on little bits to increase the duration/distance.

By two weeks I had achieved my personal goal, being able to walk to a nearby cafe, sit down for an hour with a cup of tea and chat to a friend, and then walk home again.

Yesterday I had two shorter walks but together they totalled almost 2.5 miles, with another tea and chat stop in the second one.

This morning I braved a longer, single walk - the target according to "How to get Better" being 30 - 45 minutes.  I had slightly underestimated the distance, and the walk ended up as 50 minutes and 2.25 miles.  It was fine, but I was quite glad when I got home to sit down with a cup of tea and the "pink jammie" doughnut I bought at the bakers I passed on my way home.  After all, I need to keep up my energy reserves!!

Recuperation is a funny old thing, seeming to demand far more energy than activity levels suggest.  But it's also really important to do properly, in a girly-swat, rule-follower kind of way.  For which reason, once I've had my lunch it will be nap time before I spend the rest of the day doing nothing more taxing than colouring, stroking cats and watching TV.